Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.
When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.
The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theater to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog.
After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only here to listen to the music.”
“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”

A policeman pulls over an old man in a pickup truck because the bed of his truck is full of ducks.

The officer says,

“Sir, it is unacceptable to have this flock of ducks downtown, take them to the Zoo this instant!”

The old man confirms that he will and drives off.

The next day the officer sees the same man in the same truck still full of ducks.

Only this time all the ducks are wearing sunglasses.

The officer pulls him over again and yells,

“I told you to take these ducks to the Zoo!”

The old man replies,

“I did! But now the little buggers want to go to the beach!”

A professor sits with a farmer in a train.

Bored, the professor says to the farmer:

“I ask you a question, if you can’t answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can’t answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?”

The farmer nods.

The professor asks the farmer:

“What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”

The farmer silently takes out $5 and give it to the professor.

The farmer asks the professor:

“What animal has three legs when ascending a mountain and four legs when descending a mountain?”

The professor thinks hardly but couldn’t find an answer, so he reluctantly pulls out $500 for the farmer.

The farmer takes the $500 and prepares to nap, the professor asks:

“What animal is it!?”

The farmer takes out $5 and give it to the professor, then he falls asleep.

Herm is 85 years old and retired. He gets a checkup with his physician.

A week or so afterward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.

The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”

Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful.”

The physician exclaims, “Herm, that’s not what I told you! I said, ‘Your heart’s got a murmur. Be careful.”

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned.

The doctors couldn’t reconstruct his face with John’s own skin because he was so skinny.

But his wife said they could use hers.

The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her b*tt.

So they took her skin and reconstructed Johns’s face.

After the surgery he looked better than ever! His entire family was amazed, but none of them ever learned where the skin came from; they assumed it was his own.

One night John is overcome with emotion so he begins to cry and tells his wife “I love you so much. I’m so grateful for your sacrifice.”

She shrugs and says “Honey, all of the thanks I need comes when your mother kisses you on the cheek.”