Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two ghosts met and both chatted about how they died.
1st ghost: How u died?
2nd ghost: I died of cold.
1st ghost: How does it feel when you’re dying in cold?
2nd ghost : Actually, I was accidentally locked in the refrigerator. Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died suffocating.
1st ghost : Wow what a horrible way to die…
2nd ghost : How about you? How you die?
1st ghost : I died from heart attack.
2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack?
1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man.
One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone. I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing. Because of all that running, I got a heart attack and died.
2nd ghost : “Why you never look for the bastard in the fridge? The bastard was hiding there.
We both might be alive today.!!”

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said,

“That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?!”

The father replies

“From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!”

My wife and I were having a serious quarrel when I said to her…

“pack your things and…….!!! …..”

At that point, her phone rang, so I had to stop to allow her to answer the call.

It was her dad.

The phone was on speaker so I could hear what he was saying.

After the usual pleasantries between father and daughter, he said:

“my daughter, I have transferred $6,000,000 into your account, give your husband $4,000,000 out of it, and you can have the remaining balance.”

I Am sending a LANDCRUISER tear rubber jeep to you and your husband for family use. After the g0od-byes, the càll ended, and she turned to me immediately

” you said I should pack my things and do what…….. ?”

I SAID, PACK YOUR THINGS AND GIVE THEM TO ME TO WASH”. I will iron them when the light comes.

A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride’s mother’s country cottage.

It’s the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don’t have much money so this is the best they can do.

The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a man before.

Her new husband sits alone upstairs while she tells her mother how nervous and scared she is to be with a man for the first time.

“You-a don’t-a worry” Her mother tells her “I stay here and make-a the spaghetti, you go upstairs and have-a some fun”

The young woman goes upstairs and readied herself to consummate her marriage.

Her husband, sitting on the bed smiling begins to remove his shirt.

Having never seen a hairy chest before, the young bride gets frightened and runs downstairs.

“Momma!” she says “It’s-a so scary! He has-a the hair on his-a chest-a.”

“Calm down, little one” her mother says, stirring the sauce.

“Everything-a gonna be-a alright. I stay here and make-a the spaghetti, you go-a upstairs and have-a some fun”

So the young bride goes back upstairs.

Her new husband takes off his shoes, and pulls down his pants.

Having never seen hairy legs before, she gets scared and runs back downstairs.

“Oh-a momma!” she cries “It’s-a so scary! He has-a the hair on his legs-a”

“It’s-a OK,” her mother says in a calming voice.

“I stay here-a and make-a the spaghetti. You-a go upstairs and have-a some fun.”

So the bride goes back upstairs.

Her new husband is now wearing only his underwear and socks.

She stands in the doorway, gathered herself and smiles at her groom. He sits on the bed and removes his socks.

However, the man had fought in the Great War and was injured by a landmine.

It blew off all of his toes and part of his left foot.

The new bride knowing this was not normal cried out in fear and ran back downstairs.

“Momma! Momma! she screams. It’s-a so scary! Oh my god-a momma, I never seen-a anything like it before-a. You won’t believe it momma, but he has a foot and a half!”

The mother stops stirring her sauce and looks up at her daughter in disbelief.

After a short pause she says

“OK dear, don’t-a worry. You stay here-a and make-a the spaghetti…..I go upstairs and have-a some fun”

A man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ‘Business trip or pleasure?
She turned, smiled and said,
‘Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston’.
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
‘What’s your business role at this convention?’
‘Lecturer,’ she responded.
‘ I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about s*xuality.
‘ Really?’ he said. ‘And what kind of myths are there?
‘Well, she explained, ‘one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
‘Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
‘I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck’.
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said,
‘I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.
‘Tonto’, the man said,
‘Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba’.