Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Yesterday I received a friend request from a young attractive guy, about 19-20 years old:

I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my FB friend.

So I accepted it. Then he started sending me private messages.

He called me beautiful. He asked my age.

I’m not a liar so I told him and reminded him I’m quite a bit his senior.

And I let him talk a bit cuz (truth be told) flattery ain’t all bad.

We kept chatting for a while and within a short time, he asked if we could talk about ‘adult things’.

I said ok.

Then He said ‘thank you, babe, you start.”

So I did! I told him adult things like I have arthritis and my knees and how it hurts badly.

My back acts up when it is cold outside.

I explained that I have crazy insomnia. And I didn’t forget to tell him that I have a pacemaker.

And of course, I told him about the laxatives. Can’t forget that.

I also didn’t forget to tell him that I have good quality dentures

I was as honest as I could be about ‘ADULT THINGS’ but I don’t understand why he blocked me!

A guy walks into a bar with his dog but the bartender says,

“Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.”

The dog replies, “Hey, I’m tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink.”

The bartender says, “Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!”

“No, no, no, this isn’t a trick, I promise you,” says the man,

“I tell you what, I’ll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here.”

The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.

“Now, can I have my drink.” says the dog.

The bartender is amazed.

“Sure you can and it’s on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It’ll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee.” Here is ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards.”

“Okay.” says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.

Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn’t come back.

The owner returns and asks where is the dog.

So both of them go off to see what has happened to the dog.

As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.

The owner shouts, “Rover! What are you doing! You’ve never done this before!”

“The dog shrugged.

“Hell, I’ve never had any money before.”.”

A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.

He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.

He left for the office.

The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.

Soon they became friends.

In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.

She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.

The Girl responded;

“My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”

The woman agreed.

A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.

The Girl jumped into the front passengers seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.

Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.

When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife.

Nothing much was said along the way.

He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.

The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?

If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home.

What would you do if you are the wife?

A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog:

The dog finally died, and Patrick went to the parish priest, saying.

“Father, my dog died. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?”

Father Murphy told the farmer.

“No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”

Patrick said.

“I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think €5,000 is enough to donate to the service?”

Father Murphy exclaimed.

“Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”

A salesman is talking to an old farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders:

He says. “What on earth is that all about?”

The old farmer says.

“We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.”

“Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?”

The old farmer replied.

“There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other!”