Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old italian couple is walking around in the mall.

After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask:

“Escusa me, have you seen-a my-a Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?”

The saleswoman answers that she hasn’t seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman:

“Escusa me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?”

“No, I’m sorry ma’am, I haven’t seen your husband.”

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask:

“Escusa me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?”

The saleswoman answers:

“Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split.”

To which the Italian woman answers:

“No no no, that’s not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the bre@sts but he no lickety split!”

“I bet you don’t know what day this is”, said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.

The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: “Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!’?”

With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived.

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered from what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!”

she exclaimed, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.

He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.

Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.

He didn’t know that there were two vetenary students inside studying for final exams.

The two vetenary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.

They eased the window open and gassed him.

The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.

The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.

They placed the owl back out on the ledge.

The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.

The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.

A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.

The old owl agreed.

The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.

The old owl replied

“no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans.

He loved them, but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to him.

Then one day he met a girl and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would get married, he thought to himself.

“She is such a sweet gentle girl, who would never go for this kind of carrying on.”

So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans.

Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work.

Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.

On his way home, he passed a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than he could stand.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured that he could work off any ill effects from the beans by the time he reached home.

So he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed three large orders of baked beans and a pint of fresh buttermilk.

All the way home he fizzed and fuzzed and rattled and put-putted.

Upon arriving at home, he felt reasonably sure that he could control his gas.

His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delicately,

“Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table.

He seated himself, and she was just about to remove the blindfold when the phone rang.

She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned.

She then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans that he had consumed were still affecting him and the pressure was almost unbearable.

So while his wife was out of the room, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight on to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud and rattling, but it also smelled like a fertilizer truck

running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

He took his napkin and fanned vigorously at the stale air around him.

Shifting to the other cheek, he ripped off three more which reminded him of cabbage cooking.

Keeping his ear tuned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for ten delightful minutes!!!!

When the phone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it in his lap and folded his hands upon it, and smiled contently to himself.

His was the picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long she asked him if he peeked, which he assured her that he had not.

At that point, she removed the blindfold and was he surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish him a Happy Birthday!!!!!!

After 150 days of flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded them to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

“Why have you not multiplied?” he asked.

To which the snakes responded,

“we can’t, we’re adders.”

Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform.

He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs.

Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table.