Daily Joke: Jokes Library

When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner—both EMTs—rushed to her home.

Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen.

Then he began to gather her information.

“What’s your age?” he asked.

“Fifty-eight,” answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger.

“What does that do?”

“It’s a lie detector,” said Glenn with a straight face.

“Now, what did you say your age was?”

“Sixty-seven,” answered the woman sheepishly.

A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call centre.

“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.

“No madam,” replied the voice at the other end.

“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”

“Well I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.

“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”

“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”

The call centre operator was adamant.

“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”

“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.

“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”

An old lady has 3 grown-up sons who each bought her a present for her milestone birthday.

The first son, who had made it big in life, bought his old mom a beautiful big house.

The second son bought his mom a fabulous big car.

The third son, knowing his elderly mother was very devout, searched and searched for something appropriate until eventually, he came across an extremely rare parrot that could recite the entire bible and explain all of its prophecies.

However, the bird was in Madagascar and what’s more, it was extremely expensive.

So after much thought, he decided to sell up his house and car, travel and buy the parrot for his dear old mom.

Sometime later the old lady is writing to her 3 sons.

To the first son, she writes:

“Thank you so much for the lovely big house, that was so kind. However it’s really too big for me, I hope you don’t mind but I’m going to sell it and buy a bungalow.”

To the second son, a similar letter was sent, saying the car was too big and would be exchanged for something smaller.

To the third son, she wrote:

“Ah now you knew what was closest to my heart, thank you so much for the chicken it was delicious!

After suffering a heart attack and having quadruple bypass surgery,

An old man woke up to find himself in a Catholic hospital with nuns taking care of him.

As they nursed him back to health,

One of the nuns asked him if he had health insurance.

“No,” he replied,

“No health insurance.”

“Do you have any money in the bank?” asked the nun.

“No. No money in the bank.”

The nun asked,

“Do you have any relatives you could ask for help?”

The old man replied,

“I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

At this, the nun because irritated.

“Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!”

“OK, then,” said the old man.

“Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast,

The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside….

“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.

“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,

The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”

The husband said,

“I got up early this morning and Cleaned our windows.”

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others

Depends on the purity of the window through which we look.