07/15/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17337
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked,
“Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied,
“Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says,
“I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says,
“Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers,
“Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied,
“My father doesn’t like her.”
07/14/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17334
There was this big city, high profile, big-ego attorney who was representing the railroad in a court case filed by an old rancher.
The rancher’s prize bull was missing and the old rancher claimed the noise of the train made him run off.
The bull that is.
The old rancher was suing for what he felt the bull was worth.
When they all got to the courthouse the railroad attorney tried to strike up a deal with the old rancher before they went in.
He was pretty slick so the old rancher agreed to settle for half of what he was seeking.
After the release was signed the big time lawyer laughed and told the old rancher,
“Well, I sure put one over on you! I never could’ve won this case! The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through. I didn’t have a single witness to put on the stand! I was bluffing you!”
The old rancher yawned and said,
“Well I’ll tell you, Slick. I was worrying about losing the case myself. That old bull came home this morning.”
07/13/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17330
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian.
The doctor pronounces the dog dead.
The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat.
The cat sniffs the body and meows.
The vet says,
“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador.
The lab sniffs the body and barks.
The vet says,
“I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too.”
The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers,
“$650.”
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.
“Well,” the vet replies,
“I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests.”
07/12/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17327
As a group of frogs was traveling through the woods, two of them fell into a deep pit.
When the other frogs crowded around the pit and saw how deep it was, they told the two frogs that there was no hope left for them.
However, the two frogs decided to ignore what the others were saying and they proceeded to try and jump out of the pit.
Despite their efforts, the group of frogs at the top of the pit were still saying that they should just give up.
That they would never make it out.
Eventually, one of the frogs took heed to what the others were saying and he gave up, falling down to his death.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out.
When he got out, the other frogs said,
“Did you not hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf.
He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
Moral of the story:
People’s words can have a big effect on others’ lives. Think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth.
07/11/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17325
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read:
“Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad,
“How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied,
“He’s in the Secret Service.”