Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ‘

Job Vacancy- apply within. Applicants must:

1.) be able to type at least 80 words per minute.

2.)must be good at computers.

3.)must be bilingual

After weeks of having no applicants, a dog walked into the office and much to the manager’s perplexity pointed to the sign.

The manager said

“ I like your interest but as much as I need someone to take this position, I’m afraid you’re just not qualified enough for the job. You need to be able to type at least eighty words per minute and I don’t see how that’s possible with your chubby paws”.

The dog, without a word, hopped onto a stool near the typewriter and miraculously typed just over a hundred words within the minute.

The manager was both surprised and confused but he proceeded to say

“ I’m sorry, I still can’t give you the job because you need to be good at computers”

At this, the dog grabbed a keyboard and proceeded to hack into and shut down every security camera in the building.

The manager was dumbfounded but managed to say:

” I’m sorry, but the final requirement is that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him in the eye for a good minute and confidently said

“Meow!”

“I bet you don’t know what day this is”, said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.

The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: “Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!’?”

With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived.

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered from what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!”

she exclaimed, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

This is a story of a man who worked at the post office.

His job was to process all mail items that had illegible addresses.

One day a letter came to his desk, addressed, in shaky handwriting, to God.

He thought,

“I better open this one and see what it’s all about.”

So he opened it and it read:

“Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check.”

“Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.” “I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?”

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others.

Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

“Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?”

“Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. “

“By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office.”

Two older gentlemen, Fred and Sam, went to see a movie.

Merely minutes into the movie, Sam heard Fred rustling around.

It appeared that he was reaching under all of the seats.

“What on earth are you doing, Fred?” asked Sam.

Fred indignantly responded,

“I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out. I’m trying to find it!”

Annoyed, Sam told him not to worry about it — they could get him another caramel later since that one was ruined by now.

“But I’ve got to,” said Fred, exasperated.

“My teeth are in it!”

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said,

“Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”

The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.

The policeman said,

“Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”

The boy answered,

“I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”