Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.

The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice:

“Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say:

“It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the check out the little horror is throwing items out of the buggy.

Grandpa says again in a controlled voice:

“William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says:

“It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it.

That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.

William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks,” says the grandpa.

“But I am William. The little boy’s name is Kevin.”

There was a group of elderly women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The old women were asked,

‘How many of you love your husbands?’

All the old women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:
1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don’t understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time!!!
5. ????
6. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ???????
8. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today…!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore.!
Last one is ultimate
10. Who is this?

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.

She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

Because he also told me he was an atheist.

“Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”

Her mother replied,

“Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

A man in a frog costume walked into a bank and told the teller, Patricia Whack, that he needed to take out a loan for $50,000. He explained,

“My name is Kermit Jagger, my father is Mick Jagger, and I know your manager Mr Jones very well; I’m sure he would approve the loan.”

Patricia replied,

“I’m sorry, Mr Jagger, but with an amount that high, we require some sort of collateral.”

The man reached in his pocket and pulled out a small porcelain elephant and handed it to her.

She said she would have to get approval from her manager, and excused herself.

She told the manager,

“Mr Jones, there’s a man dressed as a frog in the bank who says he’s Mick Jagger’s son and wants to take out a $50,000 loan. He gave me this as collateral. I mean, really, what is this?”

Mr Jones replied:

“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

At an Irish Catholic wedding ceremony,
the priest asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.

It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.

She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos.

The bride slapped the groom.

The groom’s mother fainted.

The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The priest asked the woman,

“Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”

The woman replied,

“We can’t hear at the back.”