Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.

He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”

His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”

He says, “Do I complain when you go out and buy a new bra?”

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and –WHACK!!– he knocks him off the bar stool and says,

“That was a karate chop from Korea.”

The little guy thinks “GEEZ” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says,

“That was a judo chop from Japan.”

So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back –WHACK!!!– He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says,

“When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.”

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a huge forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!”

After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?”

He moved over and sat close to her.

“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?”

He reached over and held her tight.

“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to get my teeth.”