A high school senior visits a psychic
“I’ve applied to 10 different colleges,” the student said. “Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?”
“That is hard to say,” said the psychic. “But you will spend an absurd sum of money.”
“How do you know this?” the student asked.
The psychic replied,
“It’s mostly intuition.”
Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.
When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read “You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks” Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: “1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your fucking tennis elbow won’t get better!
“Thank you for shopping at Walmart”
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.
“On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?
“”Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
“”Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it? ”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Wow!” says the judge.
“156 people! How did you manage to do that?”
“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said,
This is your asshole before prison ..
A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.
Despite her best attempts she was unable to separate them. She called her vet and explained the problem to him.
Annoyed, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it on the floor alongside the dogs. I will call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and you will be able to separate them.”
“Do you really think that will work?” she asked.
“Just worked for me.”
Two guys are discussing one’s upcoming wedding.
“I’m not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not.”
His buddy replies, “Oh, there’s an easy test for that.
All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel.
You paint one ball red and one ball blue.
On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says
‘Those are the funniest balls I’ve ever seen!’
you hit her with the shovel!”