A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices.
She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
“Oh, no!” the blonde shouted in dismay.
“This one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer feared that the dog was going deaf. It wouldn’t come when called, heel as he had been trained to do nor obey any other voice commands.
So she took her dog to the vet. The vet examined the dog thoroughly and announced that there was nothing wrong except the dog had excessive hair growing in its ears which was the cause of his diminished hearing.
“He can’t hear you, but he is not deaf. You must treat him with a depilatory. I haven’t any in stock, but just get some ‘Neet’ or ‘Nair’ at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggie brand.”
So the lady went to the nearest pharmacy, located a small bottle of ‘Nair’ and looked over the instructions. But there was nothing in there pertinent to her dog. So she took it to the pharmacist and asked his advice.
“How do I apply this product?”, she inquired.
“Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?”
The man replied, “For your legs, put it on straight, right out of the bottle.
For your underarms, I recommend you dilute it 50-50 with water.”
She blushed, “I don’t think you understand, it’s for my schnauzer.”
“Oh ,yes” replied the pharmacist, peering at her over his spectacles.
“In that case, I suggest you dilute it 3 to 1 with water oh, and by the way, I wouldn’t ride a bicycle for a few days.”
An older couple are playing in the annual club championship.
They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down
to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.
She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling.
She putts and misses, they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming,
“I can’t believe you missed that putt!”
“That putt was no longer than my ‘willy’.”
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, “yes dear, but it was much harder!”
Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
A guy was at a bar and needed to fart.
He controlled himself for almost half an hour and couldn’t leave the bar because he didn’t want to lose his favorite spot.
So he decided to turn up the music so loud so that he could just go for it and timed his farts to the beat of the music.
After he relieved himself he looked up to see everyone staring at him.
Then he realized that he was listening to his iPod.