The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
An elderly gentleman is standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter addresses him: “All you need to have done is one good deed, and we will allow you passage into heaven.”
The old man says, “No problem,” as he recounts to St. Peter that he once stopped at an intersection and saw a motorcycle gang harassing a young woman.
He got out of his car, walked up to one of the bikers, who was over seven feet tall and must have weighed nearly 400 pounds, and told the biker that abusing and harassing a woman is a cowardly act and that he would not tolerate it in his presence.
He then reached up, yanked out his nose ring and kicked him in the groin to make his point.
St. Peter is frantically searching the man’s life in his book in front of him and says, “I can’t find that incident anywhere in your file. When did that happen?”
The old man looks down at his watch and says, “Oh, about five minutes ago.”
A very old man and a young woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, “I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he exclaims.
“Good,” she replies. “Get your own damned blanket!”
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”
The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
A couple was having marital problems. For Valentines’ Day, they decided to do the right thing and they contacted a marriage counselor.
Several visits followed when lots of questions were asked and lots of listening carried out. Eventually, the counselor felt that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the women and asking her to stand up, he gave her a big hug.
He turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs, at least once every day.”
The husband frowned, considered what had been said for a moment, then replied, “OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?”