A man walks into a bank and says to the the clerk, “I want to open a fucking account in this damn bank.”
The woman, astonished, replies: “I beg your pardon, such language is not tolerated in our bank.”
She then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.
The manager agrees that the clerk shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the man: “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no fucking problem” says the man.
“I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.”
“Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”
During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
He’s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,
Doesn’t need heating,
But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
Has great packaging.
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it every time. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him “If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much.”
My son replied “I don’t want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry.”
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay. You’ll walk again and everything; however, your manhood was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”
Moshe groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new wennie. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1000 an inch.”
Moshe perks up. So, the doctor says, “You and your wife must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”
Moshe agrees to talk it over with his wife Zelda. The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
“Yes, I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you make a decision?”
“Yes,” says the man.
“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting granite countertops.”
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.
“It’s somethin your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out!