Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.

The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about tocrun he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea.

He says loudly, “Mmm…that was delicious lion meat!”

The lion abruptly stops and says “Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks…I better leave while I can.”

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.

Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together.”

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts,

“Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!”

Ted was going bald there was no two ways about it.

Trying to cheer him up his wife Barbara bought him a toupee.

Barbara was very excited to show off her “new husband”, so she was thrilled when one of their friends invited them to a party at their house.

It was later that night after the party that Barbara found Ted lounging around on the couch looking depressed.

“What’s wrong Honey?” said Barbara sitting down on the couch next to him.

“I didn’t enjoy the party at all,” complained Ted

“I was so self conscious I felt like everyone was able to tell I was wearing a toupee.

“Oh Sweety” said Barbara patting Ted’s knee,

“I’m sure nobody was able to tell!

In fact all of the people at the party that I told, were all surprised!”

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”

Angrily, he got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

He is going through his bag for his passport which he can’t find.

The irritated man on passport control asks him ‘Have you visited France before?’

‘Yes’ replied the old man.

Sarcastically he responds ‘Well surely you should know to have your passport ready…’

to which he answers ‘I didn’t have to show it last time’

‘Impossible!!’ he bellowed.

The old man looks his straight in the eye and says

‘Last time, when I landed on D-Day on 6th June 1944, I couldn’t find a Frenchman to give it to’

A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at a table with a tiny man playing a tiny piano.

“Hey, where’d you get that?” The man asks.

The sitting man pulls a lamp from his pocket and tells him to rub it and wish for anything he wants.

“Be sure to speak slowly and clearly,” The man warns.

After a second to think, the guy rubs the lamp and a genie pops out.

The man screams at the genie in excitement, “I want a million bucks!”

Suddenly, Poof, a million birds appear in the bar.

“I said I wanted a million BUCKS, not DUCKS!”