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05/20/2023 from DailyJokes
#17146

An Old man wrote a will to his two lazy sons:

After my death demolish this house, you will find a metal case down the foundation where you will find my saving to support the rest of your life.

They started praying to God! Oh Lord Father our Dad is too old, please take him to your kingdom.

Two years later he died and buried him immediately.

The following day the house was demolished, they found a case with a piece of paper written:

If you are real men construct your own houses and stop your stupidity….

Funny +40
-49 Not Funny
05/19/2023 from DailyJokes
#17143

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack”, he says,

“I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday”.

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger.

He says that his dad is Mick Jagger, and it’s okay for him to take out all of the money because he is friends with the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says “Sure, have this”, and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty tells him that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager.

She then disappears into the back office.

She finds the manager and says

“There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral”.

She holds up the tiny elephant pink elephant.

“I mean, what in the world is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says

“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone”.

Funny +73
-26 Not Funny
05/18/2023 from DailyJokes
#17140

Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.

Dolly said,

“Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I never hear from them neither receive a thank you message !”

Ruby replies.

“I too send them a very generous cheque. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”

“Wow !, How come ?”remarked Dolly

“Very simple solution, *I don’t sign the cheque.”*

Funny +103
05/17/2023 from DailyJokes
#17137

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

She asked them,

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was,

“NO!”

Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought!

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.

Again, they all answered,

“NO!”

She was just bursting with pride for them.

“Well,” she continued,

“then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old little Johnny shouted out,

“YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”

Funny +50
05/16/2023 from DailyJokes
#17134

A policeman goes home after a long and exhausting day at work.

He enters the dark bedroom and strips off his uniform, leaving it on the floor.

Being so tired he did not bother to turn on the light, plus he didn’t want to disturb his wife who was in bed.

Just before he got into bed his wife said

“Honey we are out of bread, please buy one at the corner shop, as I needed it to make breakfast for the kids.”

” Fine,” said the husband,

“but you should have mentioned it before I took off my uniform.”

He then put on his uniform and went to the corner shop. He took up the loaf of bread and while paying for it, the cashier says to him

“New job?”

“Nah” replied the policeman.

“Really?” said the cashier,

“so how come you have on fireman uniform?”

Funny +55
-19 Not Funny
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