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11/01/2019 from DailyJokes
#12972

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife — she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister, I TOLD HER!”

Funny +191
-16 Not Funny
10/29/2019 from DailyJokes
#12968
Playing House en Espanol

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.
They both decided it was time to get married.

So Little Johnny went to Susie’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage.
“Where will you live?” asked Susie’s dad, thinking this was cute.
“Well,” said Little Johnny, “I figured I could just move into Susie’s room. It’s plenty big for both of us.”

“And how will you live?”
“I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.
That should be enough.”

Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers,
Susie’s dad asked, “And what if little ones come along?”

“Well,” said Little Johnny, “we’ve been lucky so far!”

Funny +174
-23 Not Funny
10/27/2019 from DailyJokes
#12966

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

“Yo, Bob, I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” says Bob sheepishly.

“Really? How long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in our bed!”

Funny +131
-25 Not Funny
10/24/2019 from DailyJokes
#12964

A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says,”Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too.”

Marv smiles and says, “Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?”

Bernie says, “You’re going to have to help me out here a little. What’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?”

Marv grins again, “Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me…”

“Yes, yes, that’s it!” cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife…

“Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?”

Funny +103
-49 Not Funny
10/15/2019 from DailyJokes
#12961
Three Envelopes en Espanol

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, “Prepare three envelopes…”

Funny +150
-28 Not Funny
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