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10/09/2020 from DailyJokes
#13730
An English Class en Espanol

You have a father he becomes a father-in-law.

You have a son he becomes a son-in-law.

You have a daughter she becomes a daughter-in-law.

You have a mother she becomes a mother-in-law.

You have a wife what does she become….?

“SHE IS THE LAW”

Funny +100
-89 Not Funny
10/08/2020 from DailyJokes
#13724

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60- year-old.

You always feel like you have to pee.

And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”

“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old.

When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel  movement anymore.

You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day  and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old,

“Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.

“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?”

“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.” With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said,
“Let me get this straight.  You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every  morning at 6:30.  So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”

Funny +147
-17 Not Funny
10/07/2020 from DailyJokes
#13718

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her  mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.

“Mom?” she asks. “How do you keep Dad so happy  after all these years of marriage?”

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on  the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down,  picking the dough up with her privates.

“Practice this and when you can do it,  I’ll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest  of his life,” said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed,  she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough.

She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor,  lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough,  letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

“What’s wrong, honey?” she asked.

He replied, “Shit woman!” as he stepped further away.

“If that thing barks like that for a biscuit,

I sure as hell don’t want to throw any meat at it!”

Funny +85
-82 Not Funny
10/06/2020 from DailyJokes
#13715

A man and a woman had been married for ten years  and decided to try and have kids.

They had not been using birth control for the entire time

they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.

The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if  the problem was with her.

She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her  the conclusions.

He said, “I’m sorry, but the problem is with you.

You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a  baby it will be a miracle.”

The woman was very upset and went home crying.  Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, “The doctor told me I’ve got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel.”

Funny +147
-108 Not Funny
10/05/2020 from DailyJokes
#13710
The New Machine en Espanol

 

A married couple went to have their baby delivered.  Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a  new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.  He asked if they were willing to try it out.  They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,  explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than  the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.  At this point, they decided to try for 50%.  The husband continued to feel quite well.Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman  dead on the porch.

Funny +139
-20 Not Funny
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