A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely – but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The funeral director,” said his wife.
Two hunters are in the woods in deer season. The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together.
As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside.
Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear’s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes.
The other hunter bewildered asks “You don’t really think you can out run that bear do you?”
The first hunter replies, “No, but I can outrun you.”
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, ‘What are you doing?’
She answers, ‘I’m moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.’
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, ‘I’m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I cant wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I cant get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”