A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!”
“Sorry,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.”
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“Yeah,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.
An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy. The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following.
“Ms Murray, an elderly client of ours, came to see me last week and paid me $1000 in cash. As she left, I counted the notes and they came to $1100.”
The student replied, “I see. So the ethics question is do I tell the client?”
“Nope! The question is do I tell my partner.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day: “Your butt is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks. She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
Three sons left home, said goodbye to their dear single mother, went out on their own and prospered. Then one day, revisiting together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother on her birthday. They all loved her dearly, and each wanted more than anything to give her something she’d truly love.
The first said, “I built a mansion for our mother. 26 rooms and a huge back yard filled with trees and flowers. A house that is fit for royalty, and will give her all the space she never had.”
The second said, “Well I bought her a luxury car, and not just for her to drive, no. It comes with a private driver that’ll take her anywhere she wants to go. She’ll never need to drive again, and he can help her carry heavy things back to the house.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took the Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
The three agreed that all gifts were well thought out, and were sure their mother would be amazed and delighted.
Soon thereafter, their dear mother sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote the first son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to the second son, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the car my dear. And I must say the driver is quite rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you were the only one to have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. That chicken was delicious!”