An elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop as he’s doing 80mph in a 30mph zone.
The guy winds his window down as the cop approaches him and says
“I’m really sorry officer I know I was speeding but there is a good reason”.
The officer retorts “I’ve heard all the good reasons and I’ll listen but I know I’ll end up arresting you”.
So the guy starts; “Do you see that woman in the passenger seat”?
The officer looks and sees this stone faced woman glaring at him with fire in her eyes and nods to say he can see her.
The guy then says “ Can you also see the woman in the back seat”?
The officer looks to see an older even more stone faced version of the first woman, again with fire in her eyes.
He nods in acknowledgement to the driver again.
The driver then says
“the woman in the passenger seat is my wife and the woman in the back is her mother who came to stay with us for 3 weeks 9 months ago”.
“This morning they had a massive argument and vowed never to speak to each other ever again”.
“So the reason I’m speeding is to get my mother in law back to her house as quickly as possible before they make up”
The officer looks at the driver, nods and says
“Shit I didn’t know it was an emergency, I’ll radio ahead to get the road clear and put my siren and flashing lights on,you follow me and we’ll get her home before that happens”.
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,
“You appear to be in good health do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man.
“After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
“Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her,
“Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time do you know why?”
“Oh, that crazy old fart” she replied.
“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting,” the newsman thought… He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it…)
– She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
The pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down.
The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.
The kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That’s what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.
He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.
But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went ‘boing!’ and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible.
He walked all over the neighbourhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten.
No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.
So he prayed, ‘Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,’ and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members.
He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.
This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?’
She replied, ‘You won’t believe this,’ and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.
Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl,
‘Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.’
She told the pastor, ‘I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat.
And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes:
A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.’
Moral of the story:
Never underestimate the power of God and His unique sense of humour.
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
“Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said,
“Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
“My wife’s first husband.”