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09/10/2021 from DailyJokes
#15219

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75-year-old scotch didn’t break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle, and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

Some years ago Eve talked Adam into eating the apple. Men will never learn!

Funny +129
-19 Not Funny
09/09/2021 from DailyJokes
#15214
Fix It Yourself en Espanol

A man’s printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.

A friendly young man informed him, “Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.”

Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, “Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it was my boss’s idea,” said the young employee. “He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!”

Funny +133
-16 Not Funny
09/08/2021 from DailyJokes
#15212
The Wrong Train en Espanol

Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island Rail Road. He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs into a problem rider. One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched.

“Where are you going today?” Bob asked, smiling.

“Well, what does the ticket say?” replied the traveler sarcastically.

“Um, it says you’re on the wrong train,” Bob informed him.

“What am I supposed to do now?” asked the flustered passenger.

Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, “Ask the ticket.”

Funny +91
-30 Not Funny
09/07/2021 from DailyJokes
#15206

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.

“Brad, are you up yet?” asks Mike.

Brad sleepily answers, “Yeah, but I’m only now starting my coffee.”

“Brad, open the newspaper to page 31.”

“Why, what’s in the paper?”

“Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!”

“Ok, Ok, I’ve got the paper here, so what’s in page 31?”

“Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!”

“All right, don’t be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what’s on page 31 that’s so important?”

“Brad, look at the bottom of column 4.”

“Why? What’s that story on?”

“Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!”

“OK, OK, I’ll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!”

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues…

Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, “So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?”

Funny +124
-37 Not Funny
09/06/2021 from DailyJokes
#15203
Medical Bill en Espanol

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.

Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.

`This must be a mistake,` the man says. `I’ve been here only 20 minutes!`

`No mistake,` the doctor says. `It’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.`

Funny +68
-56 Not Funny
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