A man called his doctor, and said “doc”, you gotta come
over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower,
and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight
up her ass.
The doctor said,” okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside
of her ass until I get over there”.
The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to
see the man holding a big fish up to her ass instead of cheese.
the doctor said, “what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese”.
The man said, “I did what you said, and it almost worked,
but when the mouse started to come out,
the cat chased it right back up there!
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it nearly always turned out they had had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits’ end trying to control them and after hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk to them.
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.
So the mother sent him to the priest.The priest sat the boy down across from the huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, “Where is God?” The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, “Where is God?”
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose, and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief and quickly said, “We are in big trouble!”
The older boy asked, “What do you mean, big trouble?” His brother replied, “God is missing and they think we did it!”
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road,
but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles
The first day, the blonde does 8 miles.
The boss is extremely impressed.
The second day the blonde does 4 miles.
The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before.
The third day, the blonde does two miles.
The boss thinks she is just having a bad day,
so he still lets her keep the job.
The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, “You were doing so well before.
Why aren’t you doing well now?!”
The blonde replies, “I can’t get far because each day
I’m getting further and further away from the bucket.”
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus.
The predominant questions this term pertain to getting into E-mail and how to access the Information Highway.
An obviously distraught student came to the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn’t working. His attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, “The sign advertising the concert said, ‘begins@7:30PM.’”
The Smiths were proud of their family tradition.
Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared.
It said, “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”