A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks, “What’s wrong with your turtle?”
“Not a thing,” the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!”
“Not a chance!” replies the barkeep.
“Okay then, says the guy. You take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”
So, the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three, calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says, “I win!”
When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.
“Pull the pin like a hand grenade,” he explained, “then depress the trigger to release the foam.”
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, “Like a hand grenade, remember?”
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin…. and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very, closely, “Are – my – test – results – back?”
ADVICE: Do listen carefully when the patient is wearing a mask!
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of the Granville Christian Church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “Every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; What does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said.
“Where does he practice?”
The old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”
A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.
A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all… So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.
The minister said, “I served you loyally 10 years and you do this…?”
The king was unrelenting.
Minister pleaded, “Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs.”
The king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days.
The guard was baffled… But he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.
So when the 10 days were up. The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.
When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister, licking his feet.
The king was baffled at what he saw. “What happened to the dogs? !!!” He growled.
The minister then said, “I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn’t forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!”
The King realised his mistake and Replaced the dogs with crocodiles.
Moral: Once Management has targeted you, that’s final.