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Daily Joke: Jokes Library

11/03/2024 from DailyJokes
#19255

Daily Joke: A Lion A Funnel Web Spider A Dog And A Monkey

A Lion, a funnel web spider, a dog and a monkey are arguing over who is the most fearsome and powerful animal.

The lion begins, arguing fiercely, “I have the loudest roar, I have massive teeth ready to pierce meat easily, I run faster than both of you

reaching speeds of 70km/h. I am a symbol of courage, royalty and strength, you two stand no chance against me, you are all futile”

The spider retorts, “pfft, that’s nothing, I’m stealthy, and dangerous. You cannot get rid of me. Lion, you have been close to extinction so many

times, but I will always terrorise people, no matter how hard people try I can never be dismissed. I make people fear to leave to get a tissue to

kill me, my bite can kill a toddler in under 5 minutes, none of you stand a chance against me.”.

The dog stands forth, “you all talk of sharp teeth and venomous bites, but neither of you can compare to me”. The Lion scolds, and steps forth,

“prove it then”, nudging the dog. The dog immediately falls down, as if playing dead. The Lion and spider both turn to each other, confused,

“what happened to him”, the lion asks?

The monkey retorts, “fool, that’s John Wick’s dog”

Funny +17
-64 Not Funny
11/02/2024 from DailyJokes
#19245

Daily Joke: It Would Be Best To Never Underestimate A Scottish Police Officer

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish police officer.

He thinks that he is smarter than the officer because he is a lawyer from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish

policeman. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish officer’s expense.

The Scottish policeman says, “License and registration, please.”

And the London Lawyer says, “What for?”

The Scottish policeman responds, “Ye didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

The London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

The Scottish officer says, “Ye still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

The London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

The Scottish officer says, “The difference is, ye have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

The London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and

you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

And the Scottish officer says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Scottish officer takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and finally says, “Da you want me to stop or just slow

down?”

Funny +59
-12 Not Funny
11/01/2024 from DailyJokes
#19240

Daily Joke: On The Edge Of The Bed A Man Was Sitting

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,

Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off

He asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.

‘I’d like to be twelve again’, she replied,

Still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park;

The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,

The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald’s

Where he ordered her a Happy Meal

With extra fries and a chocolate shake..

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,

A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets……M&M’s..

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband

And collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile

And lovingly asked,

‘Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?’

Her eyes slowly opened

And her expression suddenly changed.

‘I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’

Funny +61
10/31/2024 from DailyJokes
#19217

Daily Joke: An Elderly Priest Dies And Goes To Heaven

An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.

He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven.

In no time at all, there’s only one person in front of him.

St Peter tells the man “ah yes, state your name and occupation”

The man replies ” Will Snicket, a taxi driver in New York City”

St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says

“yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord”

The priest is next, St Peter asks him ” your name and occupation”

“Father Samuel, minister of the church of God”, the priest eagerly replies.

After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says

” very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord”

At hearing this the priest is indignant,

” what, but I’ve been faithfully serving the Lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me”.

St Peter stares silently at the priest.

Finally, he replies,

” my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed”.

Funny +65
10/30/2024 from DailyJokes
#19213

Daily Joke: In the Room Of Her Little Son A Mother Discovered A Candy Bar Wrapper

 

Every Sunday afternoon a mother found a candy bar wrapper in her young son’s room.

She finally had to ask:

“Johnny, why do I find a candy bar wrapper in your room every Sunday after church?”

He answered by saying that God gave him the money and he used it to buy a candy bar.

The mother quickly replied.

“God gave it to you? How did this happen?”

“Well Mom, you give me a dollar to give to God.”

“So before church every Sunday I throw it up into the air. I figure if God wants it he’ll take it. If not, it will fall back down to me.”

Funny +38
-32 Not Funny
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