The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door to door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
“Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…”
“Oh, no need to explain, “Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer.
“Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”
“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor! No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”
“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
“This was done on the top of a bus,” he said…
“Oh, my Gosh!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well. When you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh… equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes …
Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.”
Mrs. Smith fainted!
Three women are talking about their sex lives. One says, “I call my husband ‘The dentist’ because nobody can drill like he does.”
The next says, “Well, I call my husband ‘The Miner’ because he has an incredible shaft.”
The third sighs and says, “I call mine ‘The Postman.’
“Why the ‘Postman’?” asks one of them.
“Because he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box!” says the woman.
Eve, in the Garden of Eden, said, “God, I have a problem, It’s a beautiful garden, but I’m lonely and I’m sick of eating apples.”
“Okay,” God said. “I’ll create a man for you.”
Eve said, “What’s a man?”
“He is a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego who doesn’t listen and gets lost a lot, but he’s big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals, and he’s fun in bed.”
“Sounds great!” said Eve.
“There’s just one thing. He’s going to want to believe I made him first.”
Grandpa and his 7 year old grandson are gardening when to boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
“I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t,” says Gramps.
“It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
The kid runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board, and proceeds to put it right back into the hole.
Grandpa hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes out and hands the boy another five dollars.
“Grandpa, you already paid me,” says the kid. “I know. This is from your Grandma.”
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.
As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you sellin’ here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You’re doing well. Only two left.”
Seniors — don’t mess with them, they’ve been around!