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12/17/2019 from DailyJokes
#13034

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”

Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?”

The drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.”

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?”

The drunk replied, “Out of my nose!”

Funny +97
-64 Not Funny
12/07/2019 from DailyJokes
#13030
Big Game en Espanol

Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man said “No.”

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!”

The man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“That’s really sad,” said Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”

“No,” the man replied, “they’re all at the funeral!”

Funny +127
-24 Not Funny
12/04/2019 from DailyJokes
#13027
Having A Baby en Espanol

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!”

The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Funny +115
-38 Not Funny
11/26/2019 from DailyJokes
#13024
Lotto en Espanol

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help.

“Oh Lord, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto”.

Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prize.

Joe again looked up and prayed…”Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well”.

Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck.

Once again, he prayed…”Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order … ”

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself:
“JOE, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE … BUY A TICKET!”

Funny +131
-20 Not Funny
11/24/2019 from DailyJokes
#13021

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.

Funny +123
-16 Not Funny
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