A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.
He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.
“Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?” his wife said.
So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high.
My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I’ll look bad if I don’t put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers.
How quaint, the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter’s birthday.
He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense.
“Hello,” the father asked, “I would like to buy a cake.”
“Of course,” the monk replied, “just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk.”
The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad.
The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have cost.
The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked,
“Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!”
The monk smiled and said, “I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma.”
The daughter and one of her friends overheard this and the daughter repeated the monk’s response to the friend.
“I know, I just heard him say that.” her friend responded.
“Yes,” the daughter said, “but repeating a joke on your cake day is the second best way to earn karma.”
A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.
Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.
The doctor says, “Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them.”
The priest replies, “I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights.”
The lawyer says, “No problem.”
He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.
“My Goodness,” says the priest. “It is a miracle!”
The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, “No, Father. It is not a miracle. It’s professional courtesy!”
There was a swimming competition to cross the
English Channel by only being allowed to do the breaststroke.
The three women who entered the race were a brunette,
a redhead, and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on
the shore and was declared the fastest swimmer.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore
and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours later, the blonde finally came ashore and
promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete
the race, she replied,
“I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think that
the other girls were using their arms…”
After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank.
“Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don’t take my farm, we’ll be broke and homeless.”
The bank manager comes up with an idea.
“OK, one more chance but not with crops. No one fails at pig farming so we’ll finance the purchase of five sows to start you off. Your neighbor down the road has a boar pig and you’ll have to take your sows to him so the boar can service them. In a few months you should have a bunch of little piglets all ready for market.”
Farmer Jones collects the five sows, loads them into his pickup truck, drives to his neighbor and unloads the five sows into the boar’s pen. They then go back to the farm house and have a couple of beers.
When enough time has passed they go back to the boar’s pen and load five happy sows into the pickup.
Farmer Jones asks, “What if it didn’t take?”
“That never happens with my boar,” replies the neighbor.
“But how can I tell for sure?”
“Look, tomorrow morning observe your sows. If they’re rolling in the mud, it took, if they’re on the grass, call me.”
The following morning farmer Jones observed his sows strolling on the grass.
He calls his neighbor who instructs him to bring them back.
He rounds them up, loads them into the pickup and drives to the boar’spen where the whole process is repeated.
Unlucky farmer Jones has to load them in the pickup and take them back four times.
On the fifth morning he is so worried he can’t look.
He stalls for half an hour then asks his wife to look. “I hope they’re not on the grass, dear.”
“Well they’re not,” says his wife.
“Oh finally, then they’re rolling in the mud!” exclaimed the farmer.
“Well what are those fool sows doing?
“Well, four are trying to climb into the pickup and the fifth managed to climb into the cab and is trying to honk the horn!!!”
An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater
with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets.
The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.
He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!”
“I’m sorry,” The girl tells him.
“We can’t allow animals in the theater.”
The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants.
He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.
Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins
to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can
stick it’s head out and watch the movie.
Seated next to him is a woman.
She looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers,
“Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!”
Myrtle whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it…you’ve seen one,
you’ve seen them all.”
Agnes says, “I KNOW…BUT THIS ONE IS EATING MY POPCORN!!”