One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.
She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have the crabs”.
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.
She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.
The doctor said, “You probably have the crabs”.
“No” she said, “I am an eighty year old virgin.”
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.
She said, “Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don’t tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs.”
The doctor said, Jump on the table and let’s have a look.”
“After examining the doctor proclaimed, “Ma’am, your right, you do not have the crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies.”
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.
“When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”
IT’S OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN.
October 9, 1995
A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years — chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.
Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR — “head-to-floor distance reduction.” After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.
The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: “And in conclusion . . .”
Richard a village doctor was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. He reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm.
After the examination, he told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will.
When he got home and told his wife asked of what he had seen and done. His wife asked, “Was the patient really that bad?”
Richard said, “No, I just didn’t want to be the only idiot called out on a night like this.”
Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar. “As good as this is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a bar called McTavish’s. The landlord there goes out of his way with the locals. When you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth.”
“Well Angus,” said the Englishman. “At my local pub in London, The Red Lion, the barman will buy your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman. “Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you step foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another. In fact all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had enough to drink, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house.”
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claim. “Did this actually happen to you?” they asked.
“Not myself personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to my sister quite a few times.”