St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”
“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 – The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 – I’m a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A man finds a wallet with $700 in it. A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $50 reward to anyone who returns it. He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and says, “I see you have already taken your reward.”
The poor man responds, “What are you talking about?” The wealthy man continues, “This wallet had $750 in it when I lost it.”
The two men begin arguing, and eventually they go to court to sort out their differences. Both men present their case, the poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, “Your Honor, I trust you believe me.”
The Judge says, “Of course.” The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the Judge takes the wallet out of the wealthy man’s hands and gives it to the poor man who found it. “What are you doing?” the rich man yells angrily.
The Judge responds, “You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $750 in it, I’m sure it did – but if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn’t have returned it at all, which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he’ll get the money – otherwise, it stays with the man who found it.”
“What about my money?” the rich man asks.
“Well, we’ll just have to wait until somebody finds your wallet with the $750 in it.
A woman scanned the guest at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone so she approached him.
“My name is Carmen,” she told him.
“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied, “Is it a family name?”
“No! I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most-cars and men.”
“What’s your name?” she asked.
With a smile he replied,
A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
“That will be $1.08, please,” says the clerk.
“What’s the 8 cents for?” asks the blonde.
“It says one dollar right here on the packaging.”
“Tax,” replies the clerk.
“Gee”, says the blonde,
“I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put.”