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12/02/2022 from DailyJokes
#16659

The wife served breakfast to the Husband.

Along with that, she gave me a tablet also and said:

” Take this *Paracetamol* after breakfast.”

Husband: ” Why? I don’t have a fever.”

Wife : “OK, then take this *Digene* “

Husband : “Come on ! I don’t have even gastric trouble.”

Wife : ” Ok, take at least *Pudeen Hara* You will have an immediate relief.”

Husband : “My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK.”

Wife : Oh, but you must take at least *Combiflame* Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time.”

Husband : ” Are you crazy ? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden ? Thanx darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic.”

Wife : ” Ve….ry good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also. “

Funny +44
-86 Not Funny
12/01/2022 from DailyJokes
#16655

 

An old man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.

By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,

‘Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.

The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!’

The old man gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.

The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the old man’s table and says,

‘Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms!’

The old man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s r*ctum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says,
‘Go ahead!’

Funny +100
-50 Not Funny
11/30/2022 from DailyJokes
#16653

A man had a habit of taking off for the local tavern every time after supper where he used to spend the whole evening and would arrive back home very drunk at around midnight.

After arriving he always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole to open the door.

As a result, his wife would wait up for him so she could open up the door for him when he gets home.

After opening the door for him, she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behaviour and how distraught it made her feel.

After a moment of listening her friend she then said,

“Why don’t you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner.

And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door and quickly went to open it for him and let Harry in.

As advised by her friend, this time instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room.

She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.

Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a little while, she said to him,

“It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”

Upon hearing that, the guy replied in his inebriated state,

“Yes, why not dear? You’re a lifesaver. If I go home now, I’ll get into a hell of trouble with my stupid wife waiting for me there!”

Funny +52
-71 Not Funny
11/29/2022 from DailyJokes
#16650

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea.

“I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T.V.”

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play.

They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion’s team received.

They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt.

The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged.

First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits.

He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.

Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point.

The lion’s team led at halftime 7 – 6.

In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk.

“Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.”

The second half began.

Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino.

Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running.

First, he stomped two gazelles.

He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way.

It looked like he was home free.

Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead.

There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him.

The lion went over to see what had happened.

Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

“Did you do this?” he asked the centipede.

“Yeah, I did.” the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half?”

“I was putting on my shoes.”

Funny +75
-41 Not Funny
11/28/2022 from DailyJokes
#16647

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves.

The first baby walks up to the mom and asks,

“Momma, why is my name Rose?”

The mommy cow replies,

“Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.”

The next calf comes up and asks,

“Momma, why is my name Lily?”

The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.”

The third baby comes up and asks,

“Momma, why is my name Daisy?”

The momma cow again replies

” Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head.”

The final baby walks over and says, “Duh huh guh nuh!”

The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock.”

Funny +38
-96 Not Funny
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