A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor.
“Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology. It won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: “Really should use spell check! That should be ‘wifi’.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, doctor,” said the curvy call girl.
“I feel tired, dragged out. Pooped. No pep. No get up and go. Is it vitamin deficiency, low blood count, or what?”
The physician gave her a top-to-toe examination and then his verdict.
“Young lady, there’s really nothing wrong with you. You’re run-down that’s all. You’ve been working too hard.”
“I suggest you try staying out of bed for a few days.”
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
“Life begins,” said the priest, “at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus.”
“We believe,” said the minister, “that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin.”
“You’re both wrong,” said the rabbi. “Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house.”
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?”
Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
The teacher fainted……
A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting.
He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me fell good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas’ Minister.
The Minister said “hello son is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend”
The Minister fainted.