Jokes Library

Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:

Windows are totally frozen, will not open.

Husband replies:

“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”

15 minutes later, the wife texts back:

“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said,

“What was that?”

The guy smiled at her,

“Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”

A man eagerly waited at the train station to pick up his mother-in-law, who was visiting for the first time in a while.

After spotting her, he greeted her with a smile and helped load her heavy suitcases into the car.

As they drove in silence for a while, the man nervously asked,

“So, how long are you planning to stay with us?”

His mother-in-law, with a knowing smile, replied,

“I’m planning to stay as long as you want me to!”

The man thought for a moment, smiled back, and said,

“What, so short?”

Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob in his new Mercedes.

Johnny points at the star emblem on the front and asks,

“Uncle Bob, what’s that star for?”

Uncle Bob grins and says,

“Oh, that’s my guide—it helps me stay on course.”

A few minutes later, Uncle Bob narrowly misses a cyclist, and Little Johnny laughs,

“Good thing it’s there! Without it, we might need more than just a map!”

A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the many posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had been having a pretty good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop,

“I know that on your pensions you could never hope to have a holiday like these, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.

Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came into his shop.

“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said.

“I’ve come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me,” she said.

“Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?”