Jokes Library

Little Johnny was t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌is friends that adults have a‌‌‌‌ deep d‌‌ar‌‌k secret a‌‌n‌‌d cab b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y manipulated.

Johnn‌‌y decides t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t it‌‌.

H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s home, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r an‌‌d says,

“‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w everything.‌‌” M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushes h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ives h‌‌im $‌‌10.

“Jus‌‌t d‌‌on’‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌” s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.

Hey‌‌, i‌‌t’‌‌s w‌‌orkin‌‌g t‌‌hink‌‌s L‌‌ittl‌‌e J‌‌ohnny.

A‌‌n h‌‌ou‌‌r l‌‌ater‌‌, D‌‌a‌‌d c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌om‌‌e f‌‌ro‌‌m w‌‌ork‌‌. J‌‌ohnn‌‌y g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌:

“‌‌Dad‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w everything.”

Da‌‌d give‌‌s J‌‌ohnn‌‌y $‌‌100‌‌.

“‌‌Don’‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l M‌‌om‌‌”, h‌‌‌‌e s‌‌ays.

Jus‌‌t t‌‌hen‌‌, t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌ailma‌‌n k‌‌nock‌‌s o‌‌‌‌n t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oor‌‌.

J‌‌ohnn‌‌y o‌‌pen‌‌s i‌‌‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌.

“‌‌‌‌I k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything‌‌, M‌‌ister.”

Th‌‌e m‌‌ailma‌‌n d‌‌rop‌‌s a‌‌l‌‌l h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌ail‌‌, h‌‌i‌‌s e‌‌ye‌‌s t‌‌ea‌‌r u‌‌‌‌p a‌‌n‌‌d h‌‌‌‌e s‌‌ays:

“Wel‌‌l t‌‌he‌‌n J‌‌ohnny‌‌, c‌‌om‌‌e g‌‌iv‌‌e D‌‌add‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ h‌‌ug.”

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says,

“A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and then turns to the ostrich and asks, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

“That will Be $9.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke.” The ostrich says,

“I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a salad,” says the man.

“Same,” says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man. “Several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I

ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress.

“Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers,

“My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, “

God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”

The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’

The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day Grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,

“God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma..”

The next day the grandmother died.

“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,

“God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”

He practically went into shock.

He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said,

“I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me.

This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”

A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says,

“Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

The passenger looks confused, and asks,

“Who..??”

The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”

He explains,

“He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman – every single time.”

The passenger remarked,

“There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.

He clarified,

“ Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and

you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

The passenger said,

“Sounds like he was really something special.”

The cabby replied,

“There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”

The cabby kept going,

“He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”

The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”

The cabby continued,

“He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to

treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”

The cabby concluded:

“He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

𝐂𝐚𝐛𝐛𝐲: “𝐈 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐦𝐞𝐭 𝐅𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐤. 𝐇𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐞.”

A balding, white-haired man from Sherman Oaks in California, walked into a jewellery store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said,

“No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweller said.

The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said,

“We’ll take it.”

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated,

“by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.”

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said:

“There was only $25 in your account.”

“I know,” said the old man.

“But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!”

REMEMBER:- Not All Seniors Are Senile..