Two blondes were working on a house.
The one who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”
A substitute teacher gets a job in the city.
In the lesson of the day the the teacher begins talking about farm animals and finds himself having to explain animals the famers keep.
None of the kids have ever seen, much less heard heard a farm animal.
Mr. Jones says, “does anyone know what sound a cow makes?”
Nobody moves or makes a sound. So MR. Jones explains that cows go moo.
Then he asks what sound a duck makes, and still nobody can answer him. “Ducks go quack,” Mr. Jones says.
Next the teacher asks what sound a pig makes. Little Johnny raises his hand to the surprise of Mr. Jones.
“Go ahead johnny. What does a pig say?”
Without hesitation johnny yells out, “Up against the wall motherf_cker!”
A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.
As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.
Little Johnny replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing Little Johnny replied, “They will in a minute.”
At the end of humanity, there were three gentlemen left on the face of the Earth.
The Creator (or whatever divine entity you’d like to place here) descends from the heavens to congratulate the last three survivors.
“You’ve made it to the end my friends.” States the God-being to the three men.
“As reward for this accomplishment, I will create an individual Earth for each of you, filled with your most treasured desire.”
The three gentlemen began to shake with excitement and burst into streaming tears of joy.
“You will have 100 years of good health and no aging, to enjoy these places of chosen paradise. Step forward and state your desire. Your paradise will be filled to the brim!”
The first man, an alchoholic, steps forward and states:
“I want my paradise filled with the best Beer!”
The God-being grants the desire and the paradise is filled with kegs of beer as far as the eye can see.
The second man, a sex addict, steps forward and states:
“I want my paradise filled with young and beautiful people to fulfill my sexual desires!”
Desire granted, and the paradise is filled with young and beautiful people willing to please.
The third man, a stoner, steps forward and states:
“I want my paradise filled with Marijuana!”
It is done. The men are transported to their paradises to enjoy 100 years of pleasure.
At the end of the 100 years the God-being brings them all together again to review how they’ve enjoyed their existence in Paradise.
“My children, please share how you’ve enjoyed your chosen paradise!”
The alcoholic steps forward, shaking uncontrollably.
“It was great at first oh wise one! But eventually all the beer began to go stale, and was disgusting! I haven’t had a drink in at least 90 years!”
The sex addict steps forward, crying with frustration.
“They all AGED! They didn’t stay young and beautiful! It was horrific! Why have you been so cruel to us!?”
The stoner slowly walks forward, shuffling his feet as he goes, defeated.
“Does anyone have a lighter?”
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”
“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”
“No, mother,” you don’t understand.
“I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!”
“Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!” says her mom.
“Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”
“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.”
“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”
“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said –
‘Prepare from a frozen state,’ so I flew to Alaska!”