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06/12/2020 from DailyJokes
#13084

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.

So what’s your story?”

So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.

As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.

Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!

By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off.

So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.

Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.

I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.

But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day.

You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.

Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.

But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.

I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.

I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.

I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.

Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.

Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding inside a refrigerator…”

Funny +84
-11 Not Funny
06/11/2020 from DailyJokes
#13080

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?” He got the following reply.

“Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.

Now can you understand how I got put in this place?”

After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: “Move over!”

Funny +90
06/13/2020 from DailyJokes
#13077

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, “There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it’s not going to be legal.”

“That doesn’t matter at all,” replied the blonde. “All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.”

“Alright,” replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde:

“Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.”

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette’s advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, “Did you sell your car?”

“No!” replied the blonde. “Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it.”

Funny +75
06/10/2020 from DailyJokes
#13072

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and…

starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails.

Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

“I finished the exam in a half hour,” she replies. “Now I’m rechecking my answers.”

Funny +90
-25 Not Funny
05/19/2020 from DailyJokes
#13067

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

“If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?” she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

“You have 171 sheep,” said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, “if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?”

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. “You’re a blonde! Now give me back my dog.”

Funny +108
-17 Not Funny
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