A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
“Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”
– Hello! Gordon’s pizza?
– No sir it’s Google’s pizza.
– So it’s a wrong number? Sorry
– No sir, Google bought it.
– OK. Take my order please
– Well sir, you want the usual?
– The usual? You know me?
– According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.
– OK! This is it …
– May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?
– What? I hate vegetables.
– Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
– How do you know?
– We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
– Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine …
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.
– I bought more from another drugstore.
– It’s not showing on your credit card statement
– I paid in cash
– But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
– I have have other source of cash
– This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.
-WHAT THE HELL?
– I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.
– Enough! I’m sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I’m going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me
– I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago.
Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,”And just what do those Symbolize?”
The man replied, “They’re Carols”.
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus.
She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus’ first step.
So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!!!”
At this the Texan drawled, “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.”
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald’s fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him….
NAME – Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION – Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY – $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION – Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD – Reclining on my mom’s couch.
SALARY – Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT – My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING – It sucked
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK – Any
PREFERRED HOURS – 1:30 – 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be ‘Do you have a car that runs?’
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising