There are two polite people having dinner together in a restaurant. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other, “You may choose first.”
“No, you may choose first.”
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says, “OK, I’ll take first.”
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person, “Why did you take the big piece? That’s not polite!”
The first person says, “Which piece would *you* have taken?”
The second person replies, “Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course.”
The first person says, “Well, that’s what you have now!”
A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
“Gosh!” exclaimed the new bride. “You certainly have a dangerous job. Don’t you ever get bitten by the snakes?”
“Yes, on rare occasions,” answered the handler.
“Well,” she continued, “just what do you do when you’re bitten by a snake?”
“I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound.”
“What, uh… what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?” persisted the woman.
“Ma’am,” answered the snake handler, “that will be the day I learn who my real friends are.”
A woman from Michigan and another from the East coast were seated side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from Michigan, being friendly and all, said, “So, where are you from?”
The East coast woman said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”
The woman from Michigan sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, “So, where are you from, you silly b!tch?”
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he’d eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they’d ever seen.
“Now see here,” the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. “Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?”
“Yes, sir,” replied the waiter, “yesterday you were sitting by the window.”
A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light.
The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!”
The officer calmly told him of his violation.
The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms.
The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put “AH” in corner and then handed it to the man to sign.
The man demanded to know what “AH” meant.
The officer stared straight into his eyes and said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you were such an a$shole!” and then returned to his cruiser.
The violator’s a bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him.
The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, “Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don’t normally make?”
“Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there’s an underlined ‘AH.'”
“What does ‘AH’ stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for ‘A$shole’?”
The officer grinned, “Well, sir, you know your client better than I!”