Daily Joke: Jokes Library

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said,

“Johnny, what is the matter?”

Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

With all the new technology regarding fertility,

An 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently:

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit.

“May we see the new baby?” One of them asked.

“Not yet.” Said the mother.

“I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”

Another half-hour passed before another relative asked.

“May we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet.” Said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked.

“May we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet.” Replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked.

“Well, when can we see the baby?”

“When it cries.” She told them.

“When it cries?” They gasped.

“Why do we have to wait until it cries?”

“Because I forgot where I put it.”

An elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop as he’s doing 80mph in a 30mph zone.

The guy winds his window down as the cop approaches him and says

“I’m really sorry officer I know I was speeding but there is a good reason”.

The officer retorts “I’ve heard all the good reasons and I’ll listen but I know I’ll end up arresting you”.

So the guy starts; “Do you see that woman in the passenger seat”?

The officer looks and sees this stone faced woman glaring at him with fire in her eyes and nods to say he can see her.

The guy then says “ Can you also see the woman in the back seat”?

The officer looks to see an older even more stone faced version of the first woman, again with fire in her eyes.

He nods in acknowledgement to the driver again.

The driver then says

“the woman in the passenger seat is my wife and the woman in the back is her mother who came to stay with us for 3 weeks 9 months ago”.

“This morning they had a massive argument and vowed never to speak to each other ever again”.

“So the reason I’m speeding is to get my mother in law back to her house as quickly as possible before they make up”

The officer looks at the driver, nods and says

“Shit I didn’t know it was an emergency, I’ll radio ahead to get the road clear and put my siren and flashing lights on,you follow me and we’ll get her home before that happens”.

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,

“You appear to be in good health do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man.

“After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,

“Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her,

“Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time do you know why?”

“Oh, that crazy old fart” she replied.

“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought… He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it…)

– She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”