Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Dave treated Mary to a special dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.

Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.

Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.

During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.

Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:

“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”

Dave then got down on bended knee.

“Honey,” he said, “Will you buy me a new computer?”

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read:

“Purebred Police Dog $25.”

Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”

“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said.

“You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded and the old priest continued.

“And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock ‘n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father.” Answered the young priest.

“I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of Youth.”

“All of these ideas have been well and good.” Said the elderly priest.

“But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional.”

“But Father.” Protested the young priest.

“My confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes.” Replied the elderly priest.

“And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell’ or ‘Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”

The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. – A cat shows up.

St Peter says

“I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”

Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”

St Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”

Next a group of mice appeared.

St Peter: “Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”

The Chief Mouse replied,

“Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?”

St Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat.

“Well, Cat…Did you enjoy the satin pillow?”

Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say…that “Meals on Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”

Tim made the decision to marry his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment.

His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks:

“Tim, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it’s time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs.”

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

“For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!” she screams,

“I didn’t know you were married before!”

“I wasn’t,” he replied.