Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe when the owner asked for the money.

“I’m not paying,” said the duck.

“I’ve only got one bill and I’m not breaking it.”

“I’ve spent my last buck,” said the deer.

“Then the duck has to pay,” said the skunk.

“Getting here cost me my last scent.”

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.

He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced,

“I’m running away from home!”

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.

“What if you get hungry?” he said.

“Then I’ll come home and eat!” bravely declared the child.

“And what if you run out of money?”

“I will come home and get some!”, readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt,

“What if your clothes get dirty?”

“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed,

“This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!!!”

One hot February day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

She had no name so we named her Puycat.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, [the complainer] said,

“OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.”

My husband and my vet don’t like each other.

He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet.

The doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband,

“Your wife’s puy is finally clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God knows who the father is!”

And he closed the door.

An elderly Pastor Joe knew that ole Ben was a Saturday night boozer.

He always came to church on Sunday morning but always fell asleep from his Saturday night binges.

Pastor Joe told Ben that he was going to call on Ben at the end of the service.

He was going to ask him what the last song was sung.

If he could tell the congregation the name of the song he could choose the closing song.

Ben fought hard to stay awake and listen as Pastor Joe preached on the evils of alcohol and how every last drop should be

gathered up and thrown in the river.

It came time for the question to Ben okay Ben, what was the last song we sang?

Ben said I believe it was about some cross-eyed bear named Gladys.

Pastor Joe smiled and said.

“Well that was pretty close it was actually Gladly the Cross I’d Bear. Go ahead and pick our closing song. Thinking about what the

Pastor had preached about doing with all the alcohol,

he smiled and said

“Shall we gather at the river”

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood…

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says

“Dad, do you see that cow?”

“Yes, I do son”

“So, I sucked it’s blood”, the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even more blood on his face, and says

“Dad, do you see that horse?”, he asks

“Yes, I do, son”

“So, I sucked its blood”

Finally, the third one returns, with even more blood on his face, and says,

“Dad, do you see that wall?”

“Yes, I do, son”, replies the father

“I didn’t”