Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.

A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face.

Then he replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”

A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog:

The dog finally died, and Patrick went to the parish priest, saying.

“Father, my dog died. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?”

Father Murphy told the farmer.

“No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road and no telling what they believe in, but maybe

they’ll do something for the animal.”

Patrick said.

“I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think €5,000 is enough to donate to the service?”

Father Murphy exclaimed.

“Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”

A vain lion wanted to find out why the other animals were not as beautiful as he.

First he asked a giraffe.

The giraffe did not know.

Next, the lion asked a bear.

The bear had no answer.

Then the lion asked a hippopotamus and again got no answer.

Finally, the lion met a mouse.

He asked the mouse,

“Tell me, why aren’t you as big, as strong, and as beautiful as I am?”

The mouse looked up at the lion and said,

“Well, I have been sick.”

A little old lady was walking her dog around a lake on a cold winter morning and the lake was still frozen.

All of a sudden, her little dog spotted a duck that was walking on the ice and ran out onto the frozen lake to try and catch it.

The dog ended up falling through the thin ice, fell into the freezing water and the little old lady started to scream for help.

“Help, help, my dog has fallen into the lake”, she cried out in a state of hysteria.

Watching all this commotion was a German student, who had been jogging around the park.

He sprinted over to the lady and asked, “Vot is zee matter viv your dog, can I za help?”

“Oh yes please,” the old lady said.

“My dog is in the water over there” and she pointed out to the lake, where how pet pooch was thrashing about in the water, struggling to stay afloat.

So, the brave German jogger, without hesitation, waded into the near-freezing water of the lake, saved the dog and placed it on the grass beside the old lady.

“Oh you are so kind”, the old lady said,

“are you a vet?”

“VET!”, replied the German jogger.

“VET! I’m f@#@$$$$’ soaked!”

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was “Forgive Your Enemies.”

He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. Now about 80% held up their hands.

He then repeated his question once more.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

“Mrs Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have aпy.”

“Mrs Johnson, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-three,” she replied.

“Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle aпd said,

“I outlived every one of those idiots!”