Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies.

He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone.

So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list.

His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.

“How did you lose your hand?”

“A lion bit it off during one of my hunting trips. Speaking of that, I was an avid hunter and have an impressive trophy room, let me show you”

The grandfather leads his grandson to his trophy room. It is filled with large animal heads mounted on the walls. The boy is in awe of all the different animals.

“There are lots of stories to tell with some of these, several even attacked me before I managed to kill them. This leopard here? Its name is Eerie. I named it that because

it bit off my ear. I generally like to name them after something they took from me so I remember our encounter better”

As the boy looks around from animal to animal, he starts to ask about the stories behind them.

“What about that great big Crocodile? Does that one have a story?”

“Yes, it took several of my toes, so I named it Toto”

“What about this Tiger?”

“It took my eye, so it is named Iris”

Then the boy’s eyes are caught by an enormous lion, the most majestic trophy of them all.

“That must be the Lion that took your hand! Did you name it Hans?”

“Good guess, but no, I named it Hanc}}})ck”

A dad was having a conversation with his 8 year old son Little Johnny about what he would like to be when he grew up.

He went over many job ideas, when soon, he came out with,

“I’d like to be a babysitter when I grow up.”

Dad asked him, “Why a babysitter?”

“It’s the only job where you get to play, watch TV, nap and they pay you for it,”

he replied.

“That would be great!”

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend.

“My life is a mess,” he says.

“My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle.

“I’m not allowed on the couch.”

An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar

As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of

“When does life begin”.

The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.

The doctor looked at the priest funny and said,

“You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”

The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.

“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.

Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.

“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,

“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”

“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”

Alan said,

“It’s not his fault.”