Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband,

“it is 3:00 in the morning!”

He then returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.

“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of

yourself!.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark,

“Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.

A lady goes into a bar with her goose.

Then the bartender comes up to her and says:

“Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”

Then the lady answered:

“Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”

And the bartender says:

“Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”

Two football players were taking an important final exam.

If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.

The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ___.”

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer.

He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

“Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba.

“Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.”

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.

He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered,

“Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place.

Getting caught up in the spirit,

The pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

“Great idea!” the chicken cried.

“Let’s offer them ham and eggs?”

“Not so fast,” said the pig testily.

“For you, that’s a contribution. For me, it’s a total commitment.”

An old man accidentally crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says

“Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”

The old man replies,

“Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”

The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says

“So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”

The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”

In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.

Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says

“Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins”