Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

“Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with s*x*@1 a$$$@u1t,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.

“Please come quickly,” she yelled,

“I just saw a pant less man outside my window!”

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room.

“Where is he?” asked the receptionist.

“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.

“It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly.

“And how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”

“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady.

“Try standing on the dresser!”

A 75 year old man was walking by and suddenly he hears a voice,

‘Stop!! there is a brick going to fall on your head’

The man stops and the brick drops infront of him..

After a short walk,

The man was again alerted by the voice

‘Stop Don’t cross the road, there is a speeding car about to hit you’

The man cautiously waits and crosses safely

He then turns back and thanks the voice behind and asks who is that.

The voice responds,

“I am the guarding angel sent by god to save you from Danger”

The man politely asks

“Where were you when I was about to get married.

A blind man walks into a bar with a bear on a chain and a parrot on his shoulder.

“Hey,” the bartender exclaimed,

“No animals are allowed in here!”

“We’re not just animals, buster!” says the parrot.

“I’m not talking to you,” replied the bartender,

“I’m talking to the guy.”

“Well,” the parrot angrily replied,

“in case your beady little eyes haven’t noticed, the guy you’re talking to is deaf, mute and blind!” He then proudly added,

“I am his service bird. I do all of his talking for him. If you talk to him, you’re talking to me, so don’t be such a jck@$$s!”

Hmmm, the bartender studied the bird.

“Okay, birdbrain,” the bartender leaned in close to him,

“let me take a guess, if you’re a talking service bird, then the bear must be a seeing-eye bear, right?”

“Nope,” replied the bird,

“the bear is a bodyguard.”

“What the heck does a blind, mute and deaf guy need a bodyguard for?” asked the bartender.

“The bodyguard is not his, ya dummy!” the parrot yelled,

“He’s mine!”

Little Johnny had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son,

“You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The Little Johnny thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,

“Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”
The Little Johnny said,

“You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

(You’re going to love Dad’s reply!)

“Did you also notice they all walked ev