11/30/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19516
An elderly man, who had lost most of his hearing years ago, visits his doctor to get fitted with hearing aids that promise to restore his hearing completely.
A month later, he returns for a follow-up appointment.
The doctor, pleased with the results, tells him that his hearing is now perfect and asks if his family is happy about it.
The man replies, “Oh, I haven’t mentioned the hearing aids to them yet. I just sit quietly and listen to their conversations.
I’ve already changed my will three times!”
11/27/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19488
A country doctor went way out to deliver a baby.
Unfortunately, the place was so far out, that there was no electricity.
As soon as the doctor arrived, there was no one who was home except for the lady in labour and her 5-year-old child.
“What’s your name, little man?”
“Johnny.”
“Okay, Johnny, I’d like you to hold this lantern high for me so that I can be able to see while I help your mom deliver the baby, right?”
“Okay.”
Johnny then held up when the doctor began helping the lady.
The mother then began to push and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first
breath.
Just then, the kid started to cry.
“Now Johnny, congratulations on the job well done. You have a young brother now. So what do you think?”
“Of what?” Asked Johnny.
“Your brother, what do you think o him?”
“I wanna slap him again.” He said.
“What? Why?” Wondered the doctor.
“He is lazy. Why didn’t he just crawl out of there in the first place?”
11/26/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19486
Harvey comes home late at night, drunk as a skunk.
He staggers into the bedroom and wakes his sleeping wife, “Ellie, wake up! You’ll never believe this!”
“What happened?” Ellie replies sleepily.
“I just went to the bathroom and guess what—the light switched itself on, all by itself! And as I was going out, the light went off again! I didn’t have to
do anything! Am I getting superpowers or what?”
Ellie groans, “Come on, Harvey! You filthy animal, I bet you just went and peed in the fridge again!”
11/25/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19484
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school, and Fred is all excited.
“Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house, and the guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!” Joe says.
“Yes way,” insists Fred. “Come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later, they’re ringing the doorbell at the place.
A middle-aged lady opens the door, and Fred eagerly asks, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you, but there was a party at your house yesterday, and my friend doesn’t believe
that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the house:
“Roger, the pig that sht in your trombone is here!”
11/28/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19388
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu
Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer
I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen
The cook happens to be the owner’s wife
He tells her what had just happened
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you
I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man
After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great
I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen
He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here..