Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man and his wife are travelling through Florida when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimmee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it.

“KISS-a-me,” says the husband.

“That’s wrong,” says the wife,

“The right way to say it is kis-A-me.”

“Not necessarily,” says the husband,

“It could also be kis-a-ME.”

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide to stop to buy some lunch.

The husband decides that this is a good opportunity to be proven right, and settle the argument with his wife.

“Excuse me,” he says to the waitress at the counter,

“My wife and I can’t figure out the right way to pronounce the name of this place. Will you please tell us where we are, and say it slowly so that we get it right?”

“Sure,” says the waitress.

“Buuurrrgerrrr Kiiinnnnggg.”

Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow.

After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous.

“Johnny”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is.”

So six-year-old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door.

“So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up.

“How is she?”, repeated Johnny.

“I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it’s none of your business how old she is.”

Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks

“If there is a memento of some sort inside.”

“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch one day, resting after finishing his tasks with his dog at his feet.

A man in a suit approaches the farmer, greets him warmly, and the farmer greets him in turn.

The man notices the dog lying at the farmer’s feet and smiles at the pooch.

“Can I talk to your dog?” The man asks.

The farmer gives him an odd look but shrugs.

“Dog doesn’t talk, but whatever,” he replies.

“How are you doing, dog?” The man questions.

“Doing pretty good,” the dog answers to the utter shock of the farmer.”

“My master takes me on three walks a day, lets me run in the field, and feeds me every day. I have a good life here.”

The man smiles.

He then notices a horse who had trotted over to see what was going on.

“Can I talk to your horse?” The man asks again.

The farmer is still skeptical.

“Horse doesn’t talk, but whatever,” the farmer answered again.

“How are you doing, horse?” The man queries.

“Doing really good!” The horse answers enthusiastically.

The farmer’s jaw has gone slack.

“My master feeds me every day and lets me from the stables at dawn and dusk to run and stretch my legs.”

The man nods his head. He looks around and spots a sheep grazing nearby.

“Can I talk to your sheep?” The man asks.

“THAT SHEEP IS A FORKIN’ LIAR!” The farmer sho

So an older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend .

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said,

“I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

“Here’s a stunning ring at only ££40,000”, the jeweller said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said,

“We’ll take it.”

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.

“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man.

“There’s no money in that account.”

“I know”, said the old man,

“but can you imagine the weekend I had?”