Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.

They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says,

“You’re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”

The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,

“One thousand, eight hundred and thirty-two.”

The farmer is amazed.

“Exactly right”, he says.

“How did you work that out so fast?”

“Easy,” says the accountant

“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”

A little old lady was walking her dog around a lake on a cold winter morning and the lake was still frozen.

All of a sudden, her little dog spotted a duck that was walking on the ice and ran out onto the frozen lake to try and catch it.

The dog ended up falling through the thin ice, fell into the freezing water and the little old lady started to scream for help.

“Help, help, my dog has fallen into the lake”, she cried out in a state of hysteria.

Watching all this commotion was a German student, who had been jogging around the park.

He sprinted over to the lady and asked, “Vot is zee matter viv your dog, can I za help?”

“Oh yes please,” the old lady said.

“My dog is in the water over there” and she pointed out to the lake, where how pet pooch was thrashing about in the water, struggling to stay afloat.

So, the brave German jogger, without hesitation, waded into the near-freezing water of the lake, saved the dog and placed it on the grass beside the old lady.

“Oh you are so kind”, the old lady said,

“Are you a vet?”

“VET!”, replied the German jogger.

“VET! I’m soaked!”

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic.

Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches.

The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry.

Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.

He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener.

Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food.

So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho.

Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise.

After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless,

“I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

“NO!” Joe retorts, “We promised.”

Five more days pass.

Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

“Just for that, I’m not going.”

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.

He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.

She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The woman told the man not to worry.

She knew what to do.

She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.

She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished.

He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded,

“What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said:

“‘Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

Two men at a bus stop started a conversation.

One of them keeps complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man says,

“You think you have family problems?”

Listen to my situation..

” A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.

Later, my dad married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.

Then my wife’s daughter, my stepmom, had a son. This boy was my half-brother ’cause he was my dad’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson.

That made me the grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.

Now, the half-sister of my son, my stepmom, is also the grandmom. My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife! “

AND YOU THINK YOU HAVE FAMILY PROBLEMS?”

The other guy fainted…