Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,

“Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said,

“How soon do you need to know?”

A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday together.

The family gathers, but the couple’s children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud:

“Ugh, your children, always late.”

Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her.

After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain:

“Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”

A few minutes later, the couple brings out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife.

Everyone eats and the evening continues.

While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says:

“Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”

A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.

Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself:

“Ugh, this clock… always late.”

An old lady goes to her bank and presents a cheque for Rs 1000/- to the cashier, a young girl.

Cashier: Dadi ji, you should withdraw such small amounts from the ATM outside. Don’t waste a cheque leaf and my time.

Old lady: What’s the problem with giving me Rs 1000/- cash?

Cashier: Sorry Dadi ji, can’t be done. You either go to the ATM, or increase the amount to be withdrawn.

Old lady: Okay, I want to withdraw all money in my account, keeping a minimum mandatory balance.

The cashier checks her account balance and finds it to be over Rs 80 lakhs! She says_ “we don’t have that much cash in the safe right now. But if you give me a cheque for Rs 80 lakhs, we can arrange

the cash tomorrow.

Old lady: How much can you give me right now?

Cashier: (checks the bank’s cash balance) Dadi ji, I can give you Rs 10 lakhs straight away.

The old lady tears off the earlier cheque of Rs 1000/-, writes a new one for Rs 10 lakhs and hands it to the cashier.

While the young girl is gone to the vault to get the cash, the old lady grabs a cash deposit slip from the public shelf and fills it up.

The young girl returns with the cash, meticulously counts out Rs 10 lakhs, gives it to the old lady and says_

“there you are, Dadi ji. Now you will have to carry this pile home on your own. But count your money before leaving the counter. I won’t entertain any complaint later.”

The old lady picks out two notes of Rs 500/- from the pile, puts them in her purse and says_

“I trust you, I don’t need to count. Now, here’s a cash deposit slip. Please deposit Rs 9,99,000/- into my account and give me the stamped and signed counterfoil. And yes, count the cash in my presence.”

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with senior citizens.

A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company.

Amongst the boxes and old papers, she found a little lamp.

She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when “POOF” out popped Genie.

“I will grant you three wishes” proclaimed Genie.

The grandma thought for a moment and said

“I wish I was the most beautiful 20-year-old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around.”

The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.

The grandma looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful.

She was surrounded by scads of money in Large Bills.

She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her.

She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.

Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood.

There in the feline’s place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiselled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush.

She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly,

“Now, aren’t you sorry that you had me n******d?”

A dog enters a telegraph office.

Then he takes a blank form and writes:

“Woof Woof.Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof, Woof.”

The clerk examines the paper.

Then he politely tells the dog:

“There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

The dog Looks confused and replies,

“But that would make no sense at all.”