08/15/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18731
An old lady calls 911 late one night…
So an old lady calls 911 late one night.
The dispatcher answers
“911, what is your emergency?”
“There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed.”
“A breaking and entering? We’ll have an officer over in an hour.”
“An hour? But they won’t be here in an hour. They’re breaking and entering now.”
“Ma’am, no officers are available right now. We’ll send a squad car by in an hour.”
The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“I’m the lady who called about the two men breaking into my shed. You don’t have to send anyone. They are unconscious now something happens to them .”
Within a few minutes, there are police all over her yard.
The men are apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene goes up to take the woman’s statement.
“One other thing… I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?”
“And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available.”
08/14/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18729
There was an old lady who was very small
Her name was Reanne but everyone called her Re.
After a while Re died of old age and the whole town was dismayed.
Re was so small that her family didn’t bury her and instead later her to rest in a flower.
When the town folks came by to pay their respects they were surprised that instead of an old lady in the flower they saw a tiny baby looking around.
When the townsfolk asked the family they simply responded:
“That’s normal, that’s just Re in carnation”
08/13/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18727
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers,
he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
“Wait!” says the bartender.
“You drank so much beer. Wouldn’t it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?”
“Not for me,” says the pig.
“I’m the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.”
08/12/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18725
A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone’s cow.
He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.
The priest forgave him in God’s name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.
The thief asks,
“Will you take the cow, then, Father?”
The priest says,
“No my son, I cannot accept.”
The confessor thief leaves.
Hours later, the priest clocks off and returns home.
Only to realize… his cow was missing.
08/11/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18722
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s
sitting in the seat next to him.
He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it.
The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part.
The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter.
In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping.
This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.
When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him,
“I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.”
The dog owner looks at the dog and nods.
“I know, it really is weird,” he says,
“because he absolutely hated the book.”