Daily Joke: Jokes Library

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “Hes on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bxxtch tonight, Dave.

For her second birthday, a little girl received a tea set that quickly became one of her favorite toys. While her mother was away for a few weeks caring for a sick aunt, the toddler would lovingly bring

her dad “cups of tea”—really just water—while he was absorbed in watching the news on TV.

Each time she handed him a “cup of tea,” he would take a sip and praise her enthusiastically, making her feel incredibly proud.

When the mother finally returned, the dad couldn’t wait to show her how his little princess had been taking care of him. Right on cue, the girl brought him another “cup of tea,” which he sipped

before showering her with praise again.

Watching this, the mother asked, “Has it ever crossed your mind that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. “Sorry, buddy, but due to city

ordinances we don’t allow smoking in here. You’ll have to step outside to smoke.”

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the

floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.

The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. “Hey you two!” he shouts. “Stop making spectacles of yourselves!”

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to

him and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm…that was some good lion meat!”.

The lion abruptly stops and says ” woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realises the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion

and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “get on my back, we’ll

get him together”.

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realised what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea

and shouts “where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

An old lady dies and goes to Heaven

She is overjoyed as she was a devoted Catholic and going to Heaven was her life’s dream. Once there she is firstly greeted by God and

then she sets off to explore the Heaven (which is to be honest, based on how people are, quiet empty – think tumbleweeds in the prairie).

When the old lady gets hungry she finds God and asks where can she get some food. God takes her to a table where she finds bread,

peanut butter, jelly and a toaster. So God and the old lady sit and eat PBJ sandwiches.

As she looks down, past the edge of the Heaven, she sees that below in Hell they have a massive feast with many different barbecue

meats on the table. Nevertheless she is glad to be in Heaven and doesn’t say anything and finishes her PBJ.

Next time she gets hungry a similar thing happens; God invites her in, this time for butter and honey on toast, and as she looks down

she sees those in hell having a seafood feast with fish, scampi, prawns, oysters etc. Nevertheless she is just glad to be in Heaven and

keeps her thoughts to herself.

However, when a similar thing happens the third time she simply cannot keep quiet anymore and says to God: “I don’t want to be

ungrateful and I’m very thankful to be in Heaven, but why are we here having toast, while in Hell they have a different feast every time

I look down??”

“Well,” says God, “it’s not really worth the time to cook just for two.”