Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”

Angrily, he got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

He is going through his bag for his passport which he can’t find.

The irritated man on passport control asks him ‘Have you visited France before?’

‘Yes’ replied the old man.

Sarcastically he responds ‘Well surely you should know to have your passport ready…’

to which he answers ‘I didn’t have to show it last time’

‘Impossible!!’ he bellowed.

The old man looks his straight in the eye and says

‘Last time, when I landed on D-Day on 6th June 1944, I couldn’t find a Frenchman to give it to’

A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at a table with a tiny man playing a tiny piano.

“Hey, where’d you get that?” The man asks.

The sitting man pulls a lamp from his pocket and tells him to rub it and wish for anything he wants.

“Be sure to speak slowly and clearly,” The man warns.

After a second to think, the guy rubs the lamp and a genie pops out.

The man screams at the genie in excitement, “I want a million bucks!”

Suddenly, Poof, a million birds appear in the bar.

“I said I wanted a million BUCKS, not DUCKS!”

When a guy, known for causing trouble, walked in. He sat down, called me over, and said, “Give me a 21-year-old drink, please.”

I nodded, and a moment later, I handed him a drink. He took a sip, spat it out, and said, “I asked for a 21-year-old drink, and this is 18 years old!

Now give me a new one.”

A bit annoyed, I made him another 21-year-old drink. Once again, he took a sip, spat it out, and complained, “This is 10 years old! Are you kidding me? I’m not paying. Now get me a 21-year-old drink.”

I was getting frustrated, but I made him another drink. Sure enough, he sipped, spat it out, and started shouting.

This went on for a while until I finally had enough. I handed him another drink and said, “Sir, this one’s on the house, and I can guarantee it’s 21 years old.”

He took a sip, spat it out in disgust, and shouted, “What is this? It tastes like piss!”

I smiled and said, “Well, you asked for a 21-year-old drink, right? I’m 21.”

Artie was fed up with working tirelessly and getting nowhere. Watching Mafia guys strut around in sharp three-piece suits and flashy cars, he decided it was time to join their ranks.

He approached one of the mobsters and said, “I want to join the Mafia.”

The guy replied, “Ever killed someone for money?”

Artie shook his head. “No.”

“Well,” the mobster said, “you’re either born into the Mafia, or you’ve gotta kill someone for cash.”

Artie asked, “How much will you pay me?”

The guy laughed. “I’m not paying you anything.”

“Come on,” Artie pleaded, “just give me a dollar so I can qualify.”

The mobster thought for a moment and said, “Alright, here’s the deal. Kill someone, let me know, and if I see it in the morning paper, I’ll pay you a dollar.”

Overjoyed, Artie exclaimed, “Thank you, thank you!” and set off on his mission. He ended up at Ralphs Supermarket, where he spotted an elderly lady pushing a shopping cart. Figuring she’d lived a long life, he grabbed her by the neck and choked her to death.

Unfortunately for Artie, the store’s bag boy witnessed the whole thing and started chasing him. Realizing he couldn’t outrun the kid, Artie spun around and choked him too.

The next morning, the newspaper headline read: “ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPH’S!”