11/09/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21430
A Polish guy named Jan marries an American sweetheart. His English? Let’s just say Google Translate would’ve begged for mercy.
But love conquers language—until it doesn’t.
One frantic afternoon, Jan storms into a lawyer’s office, sweating like he just ran from IKEA without assembling anything.
Jan: “I need divorce! Fast!”
Lawyer (calmly): “Okay, okay. First—do you have grounds for divorce?”
Jan (proudly): “Yes! One acre, half-acre more, and cute little house with garden gnome named Steve.”
Lawyer: “No, no—I mean, what’s the basis of your case?”
Jan: “Concrete. Very strong. No cracks.”
Lawyer (sighs): “Alright… do either of you hold a grudge?”
Jan: “Grudge? No! We got carport. Very nice. Keeps car dry.”
Lawyer: “I mean—how are your relations?”
Jan: “All in Warsaw. Aunt Zofia sends pickles every Christmas.”
Lawyer (clutching coffee): “Is there any… infidelity?”
Jan (offended): “Of course not! We got hi-fi stereo, Blu-ray, even surround sound. Very faithful equipment!”
Lawyer: “Does your wife… beat you?”
Jan: “Never! I always wake up before her. Sometimes even before rooster!”
Lawyer: “Then… WHY divorce?”
Jan (whispering, terrified): “She trying to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What?! Proof?”
Jan: “Yes! Yesterday, she buy bottle at drugstore. Put it in bathroom. I read label myself—clear as pierogi recipe.”
Lawyer: “And…?”
Jan (dramatic pause):
“It says: ‘REGULAR POLISH REMOVER.’”
Lawyer: “…That’s nail polish, Jan.”
Jan: “Exactly! Next, she go after me—the Polish man!”
Bonus groan:
He didn’t need a lawyer… he needed a manicurist.
11/08/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21426
A duck hunter was having a peaceful morning out in the marsh, enjoying the birds, the breeze… and then nature called.
He wandered behind a tree for a quick pit stop, leaned his shotgun against the trunk, and—whoosh!—a sudden gust of wind knocked the gun over. BANG!
Next thing he knows, he’s howling in pain, shot right where no one ever wants to be shot.
Luckily, some nearby hunters heard the scream (and probably the bang) and called an ambulance faster than you can say “bad luck.”
A few hours later, he’s lying in a hospital bed when the doctor walks in.
“Alright, pal,” says the doc, “I’ve got some good news and some… well, let’s call it interesting news. Which do you want first?”
“Good news, please!” groans the hunter.
“Great! You’re gonna be just fine. The damage was all… downstairs. No major organs hit, and we got all the pellets out.”
“Phew! Okay… so what’s the bad news?”
“Well…” the doc winces, “the buckshot kinda… rearranged your manhood. I’m gonna have to send you to my brother.”
“Oh gosh… is he, like, a urologist? A plastic surgeon?”
“Not quite,” says the doctor. “He plays flute in the local orchestra. But don’t worry—he’ll teach you exactly where to put your fingers so you don’t water the whole bathroom every time you tinkle.”
11/07/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21418
Two high-society darlings are lounging on the wraparound porch of a mansion so grand it probably has its own zip code and a butler named Reginald.
The first woman sighs dreamily, “When my first baby arrived, my darling husband built this entire estate just for me.”
The second woman sips her iced tea and murmurs, “Well, isn’t that nice?”
“And when my second child popped out,” the first continues, gesturing to a fire-engine-red Ferrari gleaming in the driveway, “he surprised me with that.”
Again, the friend blinks slowly. “Well, isn’t that nice?”
Then, with a wrist flick that catches the sunlight (and possibly a few jealous stares), the first lady adds, “And when my third little bundle of joy arrived? He gifted me this exquisite diamond bracelet—flawless, of course.”
Her friend doesn’t miss a beat: “Well… isn’t that nice?”
Curious or perhaps just running out of patience the first woman finally asks, “So, what did your husband get you when your first child was born?”
The second woman sets down her glass with a serene smile. “Oh, he sent me to charm school.”
“Charm school?!” the first gasps, nearly spilling her rosé. “Good grief, why on earth would you need that?”
The second woman leans in, eyes twinkling.
“Oh, it’s terribly useful. For instance… instead of blurting out, ‘Who the hell cares?’ I now sweetly say…”
she pauses with perfect poise
“‘Well, isn’t that nice?’”
11/06/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21415
At St. Peter’s Catholic Church, they run a weekly support group for husbands called “How Not to Sleep in the Doghouse.”
Last week, the priest turned to Giuseppe—a man celebrating 50 years of holy matrimony and asked him to share his secrets with the roomful of shell-shocked spouses.
Giuseppe cleared his throat and said proudly, “Wella, I’va always tried to treata her nicea buy her flowers, spenda da money, take her on trips… Besta thing I ever did? I tooka her to Italy for our 25th!”
The priest beamed. “Giuseppe, you’re a beacon of marital bliss! So… what grand romantic gesture do you have planned for your golden anniversary?”
Giuseppe puffed out his chest and declared, “I gonna go picka her up from the airport! She’s still in Italy. Apparently, she liked it so much, she never came back after the 25th.”
11/02/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21405
During a check-up, I asked my doctor, “How do you decide if someone’s ready for a long-term care home?”
He leaned in like he was about to reveal the secret to eternal youth and said, “We fill a bathtub to the brim. Then we hand the person a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket—and ask them to empty it.”
“Ah!” I nodded wisely. “So the right answer is the bucket—it holds way more than the spoon or the cup!”
He gave me that look—the one doctors reserve for patients who confidently Google their own symptoms—and said, “Nope. A normal person just pulls the plug.”
Then he added with a grin, “So… would you like your room near the window?”