02/09/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20136
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
Because he also told me he was an atheist.
“Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied,
“Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
02/08/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20130
As a group of frogs was traveling through the woods, two of them fell into a deep pit.
When the other frogs crowded around the pit and saw how deep it was, they told the two frogs that there was no hope left for them.
However, the two frogs decided to ignore what the others were saying and they proceeded to try and jump out of the pit.
Despite their efforts, the group of frogs at the top of the pit were still saying that they should just give up.
That they would never make it out.
Eventually, one of the frogs took heed to what the others were saying and he gave up, falling down to his death.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.
He jumped even harder and finally made it out.
When he got out, the other frogs said,
“Did you not hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf.
He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
Moral of the story:
People’s words can have a big effect on others’ lives. Think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth.
02/07/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20127
A 72-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing “fairly well” for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor,
“Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
The doctor asked,
“Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”
“Oh no,” Edgar replied, “I’ve never done either.”
Then the doctor asked,
“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barb-qued ribs?”
Edgar said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” the doctor asked.
“No, I don’t,” Edgar replied.
Then the doctor asked,
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?”
“No,” Edgar said,
“I don’t do any of those things.”
The good doctor looked at Edgar and said,
“Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?”
02/06/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20122
A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers.
As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench.
He asks his sergeants why they’re guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it.
He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it.
So he calls that commander, now a lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander.
The captain goes through this song and dance a couple more times before he gets a hold of an old retired 4 star General.
He politely calls him up and asks him why he ordered his men to guard this bench that all the commanders since then have maintained the tradition.
The old retired General goes
“wait, is the paint still wet?”
02/03/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20109
Three contractors were submitting estimates to replace a large amount of fencing in a large country house.
The estate manager got them all together so that he could study their bids.
The first one took out his tape and measured how much fencing would be needed.
He then produced a notebook and pencil and proceeded to do some calculations before turning to the estate manager and telling him, “I reckon that with the materials and labour, I can do it for £900.”
The second contractor did much the same as the first one and after a while he said, “My estimate for the job, including materials and labour, would be £800 all in.”
The estate manager looked at the third contractor and asked him what his estimate would be.
The man didn’t move at all, but said to the manager, “£2800.”
“£2800?” said the manager, “but you haven’t even bothered to measure up. How did you arrive at that figure?”
The man took the manager’s arm and walked him a few paces away from the other contractors and said to him quietly, “That’s a thousand for me, a thousand for you, and you get the second bloke to do the fencing.”
“Done,” said the manager.