Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A 95-year-old man and a 94-year-old woman are in front of the divorce court judge.

The judge asks how long they’ve been married.

The man says, “75 years.”

The judge says, “Just so I understand the facts, you’re 95, she’s 94, you’ve been married for 75 years, and you want a divorce now? At this time of your life?”

The wife pipes up, “We’ve wanted a divorce for decades, but we had to wait for the children to die.”

With all the new fertility tech these days, a 65‑year‑old friend of mine just gave birth.

When she got home from the hospital, I went to visit.

“Can I see the baby?” I asked.

“Not yet,” she said. “Let’s have some coffee first.”

Half an hour later, I asked again.

“Not yet,” she said.

A few more minutes passed.

“Okay… can I see the baby NOW?”

“Not yet.”

Finally, I snapped. “WHEN can I see the baby?”

She threw up her hands and yelled:

“WHEN HE CRIES! I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM!”

The phone bill came in sky-high, so the dad called a family meeting.

Dad: “This is outrageous! I don’t even use the home phone — I use my work phone!”

Mom: “Same here, I always use my company phone.”

Son: “I use my office mobile. I never touch the home phone.”

They all turned and stared at the maid, who had been listening quietly.

Maid: “Well… we all use our work phones, so what’s the problem?”

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”

The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane.

Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind.

There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit.

More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers.

The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff.

As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway.

The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway.

The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”

There once was a woman with 100 children. She was too tired to give each of them individual, unique names, so she decided to just name them “One”, “Two”, “Three”, and so on until “Hundred”.

Years pass and all the children have grown up. Some have marriages, but none have children except for Ninety.

One day, while Ninety’s children were playing outside, they stumbled upon a stray dog.

They wanted to keep it, but they knew Ninety would be against it so they hid it.

One of the children had the idea to name it “This” so that they would be able to talk about it around their mom without her knowing.

They would say “Let’s go take This outside” and other similar things, and sure enough, Ninety never knows about This. In fact, no one ever knows about it other than the children.

Unfortunately, one day, This dies in an accident while the children weren’t paying attention. Once the kids find out, they silently agree to never talk about it, and keep it to their deathbeds. Sure enough, no one else hears about This ever again.

Only Ninety’s kids remember This.