Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A cop pulled me over and saids, “Papers.”

I turned to him and said, “Scissors. I win!” and then drove away.

A Shaolin monk, a great philosopher and a priest were walking down a country road and came upon a young farm boy. At that moment the four of them looked up to see a chicken crossing the road.

The question arose, why does the chicken cross the road?

The Shaolin monk said it’s the destiny of the chicken to seek its own path.

The great philosopher said its action teaches a lesson in the ways of nature much like life itself.

The Priest said it’s because it follows the plan of our maker under his divine rule.

Just then the young farm boy spoke up, “Actually, it’s because I left the chicken coop door open.”

Stand-Up Comedian: “You should have seen my show last night. It was standing room only.”

Stand-Up Comedian’s Friend: “Oh yeah? You were that good?”

Stand-Up Comedian: “That, and the fact that some thieves stole all the chairs out of the club the night before.”

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

“To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,” the attorney reads.

“To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.”

“And finally,” the lawyer concludes, “to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!”

A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior. Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu!”

Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?”

“Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said. “He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”