Daily Joke: Jokes Library

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 75 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 75 year old mother says, “Not yet.”

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, “Not yet.”

Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”

“When the baby cries.”

“Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”

The new mother says, “Because I forgot where I put it.”

A woman, a manager and his assistant are sitting together in a train. Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel, and as luck would have it, the lights go out and it’s completely dark.

Then there’s this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman and the assistant are sitting as if nothing has happened and the manager has his hand against his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

The manager is thinking, “My assistant must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead.”

The woman is thinking, “The manager must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed his assistant and got slapped for it.”

And the assistant is thinking, “This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I’ll make another kissing noise and slap my boss again!”

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes that are clearly undersized for him. The salesman says, “But, sir, I can see from up here that you’ll need much bigger shoes than that.”

The guy says, “That’s OK, please bring me the smaller ones.”

The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask, “Sir, why must you have these undersized shoes?”

He says to the salesman, “I work a boring job, my mother-in-law has just moved in with us, my wife is nagging all the time, and our daughter does nothing but run around screaming the whole day. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these tight shoes.”

And engineer died and when before St. Peter in heaven. St. Peter looked at his book and said “Oh, you belong with the devil.”

After a few months in hell the engineer met with the devil and said, “You don’t have anything here. I am an engineer and I can design buildings, air conditioning..all kinds of things.”

The devil said, “OK… do it!”

When construction was complete the devil was very pleased. Then he gets a call from St. Peter who said, “Do you remember that engineer we sent you? We made a big mistake. He is supposed to be in heaven.”

The devil replied with a loud and forceful voice, “YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM!”

St. Peter replied, “We will sue you!”

The devil started laughing. “What are you laughing about?” Where are you going to find a lawyer?”

Patient- Dr. How much it will cost me to extract my two teeth?

Dentist- $300 US dollars.

Patient- How much time it will take?

Dentist- Five minutes.

Patient- Five minutes only and it’s $300 US dollars! Don’t you think that is too expensive?

Dentist- I can do it in 30 minutes if you want?