Daily Joke: Jokes Library

My wife curiously noticed that every time it was my turn to put the kids to bed they fall asleep in minutes.

I told her that when I play my guitar it works like magic putting kids to sleep.

She said I must be exceedingly talented because it works just like that with her as well.

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I born?”

“Well, Honey…” said the boy’s mom, “the stork brought you to us.”

“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.

“Oh, the stork brought us too,” chimed in the dad.

“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.

“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mom, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

A man got lost in his car during a snow storm. He remembered something he had read earlier: “If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.”

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and he followed it for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked the man what he was doing. He explained that he had read somewhere that if he ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the mall parking lot, now you can follow me over to the ice rink.”

The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Nancy finally said, “Look. I’ll tell you what. I’ll admit I’m wrong if you admit I was right.”

“Fine.” I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, “I’m wrong.”

I grinned and replied, “You’re right.”

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she had found the lens.

“I looked everywhere, how did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I, on the other hand, was looking for $150!”