Daily Joke: Jokes Library

When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.

“Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart.

A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.

“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to… 14 pounds???”

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.

They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn’t going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

Nancy replied, “Silver.”

At that point, her husband chimed in, “Yep, silver…to match her hair.”

Shooting a glaring look at John’s bald spot, Nancy’s friend said, “So, John, I guess you are going barefoot then.”

The mother loved the picture frame her five-year-old son bought her for Mother’s Day.

She found a photograph of him and replaced the cat photo that came with it.

The son then became upset. “Why are you putting a picture of me in there? I bought you the picture of the cat!”

“Mom, you said the baby had your eyes and Daddy’s nose, didn’t you?”

“Yes, darling.”

“Well, you’d better keep an eye on him… he’s got grandpa’s teeth now.

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, “Let’s hide in that barn, they’ll never find us.” So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.

The next morning, the cops said, “Come out with your hands in the air!” The red-head said, “Hide in those baskets, they’ll never find us!” So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one.

Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there.

Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets. So the cop kicked the first one: “RUFF.” “It’s just a damn dog!” yelled the cop. The cop kicked the next one: “MEOW.” “It’s just a damn cat,” yelled the cop. The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, “POTATOES!”