Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two blondes were driving down the road. The driver noticed that she was low on gas, so she stopped at the gas station. While she was pumping her gas, she noticed that she had locked the keys in the car.

When she went inside to pay, the blonde asked the attendant for a coat hanger so she could  attempt to open the door herself.

She went outside and began to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant went outside to see how the blonde was faring. The blonde outside of the car was moving the hanger around and around.

Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car was saying: “A little more to the left. A little more to the right … “

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…

“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”

She said, “No?”

“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”

And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms.”

A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute.

When it was over she told him to pay $500. He said he’d send it to her in an envelope marked “Rent for Apartment.”

The next day, however, he regretted that he spent the night with her and sent only $250. When she wrote him a letter asking why he didn’t pay full price, he wrote her a memo saying:

“Dear lady, I am including a check for $250 for your rent. I am not sending you the sum we previously agreed on, as before I rented the apartment I was given the impression that:

1. The apartment had not been used before.

2. It had adequate heating.

3. It was small enough for me to feel comfortable in it.

Instead, I found the apartment had been used many times before, had no heating and was too big for me!”

Quite pleased with himself, he sends the letter.

A few days later the prostitute responds in her own letter, saying the following:

“Dear Sir,

1. You should have known such a beautiful apartment had been rented before.

2. The apartment did have adequate heating. You just didn’t know how to turn it on.

3. The apartment was the perfect size. You just didn’t have large enough furniture to fill it.

You are hereby asked to pay the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your current landlady!”

In light of the rising frequency of human – grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.

They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.

Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”

The preacher asked the Lord to direct his response. He said: “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”