Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A husband decides to join his wife for the first time playing golf. He’s never really been into the game, but since his wife was playing with all these men around, he wanted to come and check it out.

All day long he complains: About the heat, about the other people, about how long it’s taking…

They are on the 9th green when suddenly he collapses from a heart attack!

“Help me,” he groans to his wife.

The wife calls 911 on her cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up her putter, and lines up her putt.

Her husband raises his head off the green and stares at her. “I’m dying over here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the wife calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” he asks feebly.

“No time at all,” says his wife. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

A son moved away to go to college, taking leave of his family and the family dog, Blue. A few months later, his father got a call from his son.

“Dad,” he said, “there’s an amazing program here that teaches dogs to talk!”

That’s amazing!’ his dad said. ‘How do I get Blue into that program?’

‘Just send him down here with $2,000,’ the son said. ‘I’ll get him into the course.’

So his father sent the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the boy called home again.

‘So, how’s Blue doing, son?’ his father enquired.

‘Awesome! Dad, he’s talking up a storm… But you just won’t believe this. They’ve had such good results with talking, they’ve begun to teach the dogs how to read.’

‘Read?’ exclaimed his father. ‘No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?’

‘Just send $4,500. I’ll get him into the class.’

The money promptly arrived.

But our hero noticed an impending problem. At the end of the year, his father would find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.

Then, finally, he came up with a plan. First he gave the dog to a nice family. Then he went home at the end of the year to see his excited father.

‘Where’s Blue? I just can’t wait to talk with him, and see him read something!’

‘Dad,’ the boy said. ‘I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Blue kicked back in the recliner to read the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your dad still seeing that little redhead barmaid at the pub?”

The father groaned and whispered, ‘I hope you shot that bastard before he talked to your mother!’

‘I sure did, dad!’

‘That’s my boy!’

The lad went on to be a successful lawyer.

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.

‘I’ll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, ‘and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.’

‘If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! ‘If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. ‘But, if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. ‘And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he’s going to be a skirt-chasing bum.’

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s centerfold.

‘Lord have mercy,’ the old preacher whispered in horror, ‘He’s going to be the next president!’

Following the events of the previous week, Larry knew he was going to have a very big problem with his hearing, so he decides to go to the revival meeting to see if the preacher there could give him a hand with it.

When he arrives, Larry sits down quietly and waits until the preacher asks the congregation if anyone needs his assistance through prayer.

The old man raises his hand, and the preacher motions for him to come over and queue up with the other people who are in need of some divine assistance.

He patiently waits his turn, until he’s up next. The preacher asks him: “Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

“Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing,” he replies.

The preacher puts one finger in Larry’s ear and places his other hand on top of Larry’s head. He prays for what seems like an eternity, totally committed to ensuring Larry doesn’t have any further problems with his hearing.

After he prayed for him sufficiently, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked Larry:

“Larry, how is your hearing now?”

“I don’t know, Reverend, it’s not until next Wednesday.”

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, ‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’