Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Back in the old Wild West, there were two stupid scoundrels, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian’s head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, “I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground.” He then says, “If any man brings me an Indian’s prized horse, I’ll give him $1000.”

The two men looked at each other, walked out of their bar and mounted their horses. It wasn’t long before they saw an Indian, so they caught up to him and pushed him off his horse.

He fell into a ravine, but the loyal horse followed him right down there. The two nuts scrambled to follow it down to the bottom to try and catch it.

Suddenly, Jeff said, “Dave, look at this!” Dave replied, “Not now – can’t you see I’m trying to catch a prized horse!?”

Jeff shouted again, breathlessly: “I really think you should look at this.”

“Why don’t you help me try and make $1000 instead of goofing off?”

But Jeff was adamant. “Please, just take a damn look!”

So Dave stopped running, looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians – and their horses.

Dave just shook his head and said, “Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we’re going to be millionaires!”

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,

‘Are these plates clean?’

His grandfather replied:  ‘They’re as clean as cold water can get ‘em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’

For lunch, the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked: ‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’

Without looking up the old man said: ‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.

John yelled: ‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted:

‘Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me?!’

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screaming Monster Roller Coaster – everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again??”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , “I meant my dress size, you dumbass!”

A science teacher asked her students “Children, if you could own one mineral, what would it be?

One boy said, “I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.”

Another boy said, “I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”

The teacher said, “Johnny, What would you want?

Johnny said, “I would want silicone.”

“Why would you want silicone?” Asked the teacher

“Well my mom got some, he replied, “and there’s always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”

As most Silver Surfers know – and the rest will soon discover – sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Danny, the 12 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Danny clicked a couple of keys and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?’

He replied, ‘It was just a simple ‘ID ten T’.’

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired.

‘An “ID ten T”??? What’s that? In case I ever need to fix it again.’

Danny grinned wide…. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’

‘No,’ I replied.

‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Danny, the little bastard.