Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, “Who is this?”

“This is the maid.”, answered the woman.

“We don’t have a maid!”

“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”

“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”

“Ummm …. she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”

“What do I have to do?”

“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with.”

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”

“Throw them in the swimming pool!”

“What?! There’s no pool here?”

*Long pause* “Uh …. is this 832-4821?”

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walked into a bar and ordered three mugs of Bud. He sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.

The bartender approached and told the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replied, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.

The cowboy became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. He ordered three mugs and drank them in turn.

One day, he came in and only ordered two mugs. All the regulars took notice and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned in his eyes and he laughed.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained. “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”

“Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

‘Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,’ he said.

‘I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.

‘You’re on, old man,’ the braggart replied. Let’s see you do it.’

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

‘All right, dumbass, get in.’

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.

“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with sexual favors and she accepted,” continued the old man.

“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk – you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.

“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”

Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together.

Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the green.

Jesus stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Jesus just walked onto the water and chipped the ball onto the green.

The old man stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and headed for the water trap. But, just before it fell into the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.

As the fish was falling back down into the water, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the fish in its claws. The eagle flew over the green where a lightning bolt shot from the sky and barely missed it.

Startled, the eagle dropped the fish.

When the fish hit the ground, the ball popped out of its mouth and rolled into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turned to the old man and said:

“Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time.”