Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old man asks his wife: “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Henry fainted…

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says “We’re Catholic so we can’t use it.”

The next woman says “I am too but we use the rhythm method.”

The third woman says “We use the bucket and saucer method.”

“What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?”, the others ask.

“Well, I’m five foot eleven… and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him.”

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with four children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

The telephone rang in the stately home of Lord Armstrong in North Yorkshire, England and his butler answered the call.

‘It’s me. Please go to my wife’s bedroom and tell her that I’ll be home late from the club.’  I’m sorry, M’lord, her ladyship is already asleep.’

Then wake her and tell her, while I hold the ‘phone,’ the caller demanded.

‘Yes, Sir,’ the butler replied. The butler returned and said, ‘My Lord, her ladyship is now in her room with a strange man I have never seen before.”

‘Damn them! How could she do that to me?!? OK, here’s what you do. Get my rifle, break down the door, and shoot them both.’ ‘Yes, Sir,’ the butler responded. He puts the phone down and after a short while 2 shots are clearly heard.

A few minutes later, the butler returned to the phone and reported, ‘My Lord, I tried my best. I shot the man, but your wife dived out the window to the garden before I could shoot her as well.’

‘To the garden? What garden?’

‘The one adjacent to her room, my lord.’

Long pause.

‘Sorry about that, I think I have the wrong number.’

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s.

He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra cup.

As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”