Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?”

Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”

God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?”

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?

God said, “Yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too:

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”

“Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”

God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

A man owned a small ranch in Montana.

The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus he gets free room and board.”

“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

“Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

“He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.

“He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,” said the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the rancher.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. “Come now,” coaxed the doctor, “you’ve been seeing me for years! There’s nothing you can’t tell me.”

“This one’s kind of strange…”

“Let me be the judge of that,” the doctor replied.

“Well,” she said, “yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.”

“I see.”

“That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl.”

“Uh-huh”

“That night,” she went on, “there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong with me!,” she implored, “I’m scared out of my wits!”

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “There, there, it’s nothing to be scared about.”

“You’re simply going through the change.”

This is a story about the girl that didn’t know what cursing was. It was Thanksgiving evening and the young girl was sleeping in her bedroom and she heard her parents having sex in the next bedroom over.

She hears the dad say, “oh honey I love your luscious tits” and she hears the mom say, “oh baby I love your slim dick”.

So the next morning, the daughter walks up to the dad and says, “Hey dad, what are luscious tits?” the dad panics and says, “It’s a fine coat”.

She then walks up to the mom and says, “Hey mom, what’s a slim dick?”. The mom panics and says, “It’s a pair of boots”.

Later on that day, everybody’s getting ready for the Holiday. The girl walks past the bathroom and sees her dad shaving. He cuts himself on the cheek and shouts, “Shit!”.

The daughter then asks,”What does shit mean” and the dad replies, “I’m shaving right now sweety”.

The girl walks into the kitchen and sees her mom trying to cook the turkey.

The mom accidentally drops the turkey and shouts, “Fuck”.

The daughter then asks, “hey mom, what does f*ck mean” and the mom replies, “I’m cooking the turkey sweety”.

About an hour later friends and family arrive at the door.

The girl answers the door and says, “Hello everyone hang up your luscious tits and drop your slim dicks, my dad is upstairs shitting and my mom’s f*cking the turkey”.