Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the abbot (the head monk). The abbot said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.” The man agreed.

After the first three years, the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“Food cold!” the man replied. The abbot made sure the meals are not cold.

Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed. The abbot ordered his robe be washed.

Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

– “Bed hard!”. The abbot made sure the mattress got re-stuffed.

Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

– “I quit!” said the man.

“Well,” the abbot replied, “I’m not surprised – you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here!”

A story I’ll tell of a burglar bold

Who started to rob a house;

He opened the window, and then crept in

As quiet as a mouse.

He looked around for a place to hide,

‘Till the folks were all asleep,

Then said he, “With their money

I’ll take a quiet sneak.”

So under the bed the burglar crept;

He crept up close to the wall;

He didn’t know it was an old maid’s room

Or he wouldn’t have had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal,

As under the bed he lay;

But at nine o’clock he saw a sight

That made his hair turn gray.

At nine o’clock the old maid came in;

“I am so tired,” she said;

She thought that all was well that night

So she didn’t look under the bed.

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,

And the hair from off her head;

The burglar, he had forty fits

As he watched fro m under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept,

He was a total wreck;

The old maid wasn’t asleep at all

And she grabbed him by the neck.

She didn’t holler, or shout or call,

She was as cool as a clam;

She only said, “The Saints be praised,

At last I’ve got a man!”

From under the pillow a gun she drew,

And to the burglar she said,

“Young man, if you don’t marry me,

I’ll blow off the top of your head!”

She held him firmly by the neck,

He hadn’t a chance to scoot;

He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,

And said, “Madam, for Pete’s sake, shoot!”

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.” The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, “Riding a bike.”

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

“My bike.”

Three men, for awful crimes, are sentenced to 25 years in solitary confinement. They are supplied with only food and drink.

Before they go in, they get to choose one thing, in any amount, to take in with them for the 25 year duration.

The first prisoner chooses an endless supply of the finest wine. “Might as well pass the time drunk.” He said.

The second prisoner asked to be locked with his wife. “Might as well have her lovely company.” said he, and the loving wife agreed.

The third prisoner asked for an endless supply of cigarettes. “It’s the only thing that will calm me down all these years.”

They are locked inside, each with his wish.

25 years pass…

It is a day of celebration, and all gather to see what was the fate of the three imprisoned men.

They open the first prisoner’s door, and immediately hundreds of wine bottles come crashing out. He himself in a corner, wasted and hardly alive.

Then they open the second prisoner’s door, and a whole family steps out – babies, children and some teenagers, blinking in the new light of the world outside their cell.

Then they open the third prisoner’s door, and nothing comes out but unopened packs of cigarettes. The prisoner crawls slowly through the door, holding a single, crushed cigarette in his shaking hand.

“Does anyone,” he asks with a broken voice, “have a light?”

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks,’What’s with the money in the jar?’

‘Well… you pay $10 and if you pass three tests,you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.’

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up.

And so he asks, ‘What are the three tests?’

‘You must pay first… Those are the rules,’ says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

‘Okay,’ the bartender says, here’s what you need to do:

First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.

Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex… You have to take care of that problem!’

The man is stunned. ‘I know I paid my $10, but I’m not an idiot!

I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things’

‘Your call,’ says the bartender… ‘But, your money stays where it is.’

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks,he finally says, ‘Where’s the damn tequila?’

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.

Tears stream down both cheeks… But he doesn’t make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds.

Then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body.

He says, ‘Now where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?’