Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man’s daughter turned 18 years old, and he was very glad that it was time to hand over the last alimony check he had to pay his ex-wife.

He asked the daughter to approach him, and when she did he said to her, “My daughter, I want you to take this check to your mother and tell her that this is the last damn check she will receive from me for the rest of her miserable life. Tell her that. ”

The girl went to give the check to her mother, and her father was very curious to know how the witch would respond.

When the daughter returned, her father asked her right away: “What did your mother say?”

“She said she was also looking forward to this day too because she wanted to tell you that you are not my father …”

A husband on his deathbed said to his wife in a hoarse, weak voice: “My hour has arrived and before I leave, I want to confess to you …”

“No, no, you shouldn’t strain yourself, sit still,” interrupted the woman.

“I insist,” said the husband. “It’s better to die with a quiet, clean conscience.”

“Well, I’m listening,” said the woman.

“I had an affair with your sister, your mother, and your best friend,” said the husband.

“I know,” replied the woman pleasantly, “that’s why I poisoned you.”

One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.

The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”

She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.

“My farts never smell, and are always silent.

“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.

“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”

The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was to spend a few years in the desert. The judge said that they could each take one thing with them.

The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.

The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won’t get thirsty.

Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.

The judge asked, “Why in the world would you want to take a car door?”

The man replied, “If it gets too hot, I can roll down the window.”

Once upon a time, there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female.

So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, “Since we’re in this together, why don’t I move over to your side of the cage!”

The female canary replied, “No, thanks!!”

So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked,

“I am sorry I was too forward the first time. Why don’t we get to know each other first?”

To which she replied again, “No, thanks!”

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated,

“Well, could we at least talk?”

This time she replied, “Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, “Chirpies” and I hear it is untweetable.”