Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What??” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be but never delivered.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“Oh, you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, “Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.”

As expected, the wife wasn’t happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.

His wife replied, “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!”

The husband said, “I know all that.”

The wife looked on at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.

“Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?” asked the wife.

The guy answered, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”

Little Johnny’s mother was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked four-year-old Johnny to answer the phone.

Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. “Mommy, it’s the minister,” he said to his mother.

From the kitchen, Johnny’s mom said, “Tell him I’ll call him back.”

Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to temple. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered.

“When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me.”

“So?” the Rabbi asked indignantly.

“So I don’t want to remind him!”

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could.

So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually, the local church decided to do a big restoration project.

Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.

Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder.

The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”