Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”.

He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”.

She said, ” Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers.

Put your hands behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”.

He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, “Six, teacher?”.

She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you’re still counting on your fingers.

Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what’s five and five”.

He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, “Eleven, teacher?”.

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.

“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.”

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.

They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, “What are you doing?”

He says, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll jump down and make a run for it.”

The second guy says, “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear.”

The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you.”

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends.

They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.

The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plough your land? At night?”

“No,” the young farmer replied seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?’ ‘Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?