Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. “My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.

“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.

“My brother is better than you brother!” Billy said.

“He is not! He is not!” Yelled Little Johnny.

“My Mother is better than your Mother!” Billy continued.

A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, “Well, I guess ya got me there. I’ve heard my Father say the same thing more than once.”

The Day of Judgment came, and all the people in the world who were worthy reached heaven, where the heavenly angels divided them into men and women. The angel Gabriel was revealed before all the men and ordered them to stand in two rows; One would be all the men who had retained their strength in the relationship, and the other – men who had surrendered to their wives. Meanwhile, the women were taken elsewhere, apparently to pass their own test…

Of course, as soon as the women disappeared, most of the men immediately made their way to the first row of men who stood their ground, did not give in and wore the “pants” in the house. But under the scrutiny and judgment of the angels, they slowly began to wander to the second line of the submissive men. So it went on for a long time until finally there were only three men left in the first row, while the second row lengthened and extended beyond the horizon.

Gabriel looked at this scene with a very disappointed look and turned to all the men:

“You should be ashamed of yourself, you were created in the image of the Creator, and the woman was created from your bones, but you have allowed yourself to let her rule over you, only these three men are exceptional and I am sure they can teach you a thing or two.” “Hey you,” he said to one of the three men, “How do you describe your relationships? How do you feel knowing you are one of the most special men in the world?”

“The truth?” answered the man, “I was lonely or stuck in unhappy relationships all my life, and now that we are here, my greatest regret is that I did not treat women better.”

The surprised angel did not lose his enthusiasm and hurried to ask the other man how he described his relationships in life.

“All my life I’ve gone from relationship to relationship, I’ve never found love and I’ve always wanted to change my ways and treat women better, now I can never do that …” he said and burst into tears.

The confused angel hurried to the third man. “Please tell me, you seem quite satisfied and relaxed, what’s your secret, how did you manage to be the only man in the world who controls his relationship, that stands his ground, doesn’t give in to women, and still looks so sure of himself?”

“I’m sorry but I don’t have an answer for you,” said the third man. “I’m just standing here because my wife told me to wait here and not move until she comes back …”

A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. “I’m divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn’t end up fighting with all the time,” he replied.

The local man said: “Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumor has it that they’ve been married over 60 years and they’ve never fought this whole time.”

“What?? That’s impossible! Everyone has fights!” Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.

The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.

“It’s true. We never fight.”

“PLEASE,” begged the traveler, “can you tell me your secret?”

“Well,” said the old man, “it all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: ‘That’s one.’

“We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: ‘That’s two.’

“Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: ‘That’s three.’ She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: ‘What the heck do you think you’re doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!’

“My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: ‘That’s one.’

“And we haven’t had a fight since.”

There was once a couple that had been married for 20 years. They had a fine love life, with one exception:

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights completely.

Well, at first it wasn’t so annoying, but after so many years of marriage the wife felt it was foolish. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a specially made pleasure device.

She got very angry.

“You impotent bastard!” she screamed at him.

“How could you have been lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!”

The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:

“I’ll explain the toy if you explain the kids.”

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, “You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

“What does that mean?” she asked suspiciously.

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!”

She beamed at him happily and said: “Oh, that’s so lovely! But what about I, J and K?”

“I’m Just Kidding!”