Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man walked into a local pharmacy while laughing hysterically. He asked for two condoms and still laughing, paid the pharmacist and walked out.

The pharmacist was intrigued and curious about this odd behavior. But didn’t give it too much thought. However, the next day it happened again. The same man walked in laughing hysterically. He ordered two condoms paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.

The pharmacist remembered the day before and started to wonder what was up – but not for too long because he had work to do.

But again, the next day the same guy walked in laughing hysterically. He ordered two condoms paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.

Now the pharmacist was perplexed and eager to know that was going on with this guy. So he ordered his assistant to follow  the guy and find out where he was going, should he return.

Wouldn’t you know it. The same guy came back again the following day laughing hysterically. He ordered two condoms paid the pharmacist and walked out laughing.

The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. “Well,” asked the pharmacist, “where did he go?”

“STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE.”

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says: “I’m going to become a lion-tamer.”

The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion-taming.”

“Yes I do!”

“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”

“I’ll take that big chair they all carry, and I’ll stick it in his face until he backs down.”

“Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with those big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?”

“I’ll take that whip they all carry, and I’ll whip him and whip him until he backs down.”

“Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?”

“I’ll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him.”

“Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?”

“I’ll pick up whatever’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.”

“Well, what if there ain’t nothin’ on the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?”

“You ain’t thinkin’ none to clear – cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don’t work, there’s going to be SOMETHING at the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!”

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.

She thought for a minute about what to say with him, then came up with what she thought was the perfect solution.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said: “Bart, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Just as the teacher had paused, Johnny also paused to think about his response.

He replied: “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, “my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”

The second Catholic women chirps, “Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Grace.”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “Your Eminence.”

The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle “Well…?”

She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2”, hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, “My God”.

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place.

When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.

Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better.

Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”