Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three buddies are out hooning around in a sports saloon.

It’s all fun and games until the guy behind the wheel gets it wrong while trying to drift through a downtown intersection.

Inevitably, the sports saloon ends up slamming into a tree, killing all three of them instantly.

Sometime later, they find themselves at an orientation prior to entering into Heaven.

They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, ‘LOOK! HE’S MOVING!!'”

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well except for one problem –

He kept winking at the camera.

The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem.

I’m afraid we won’t able to hire you unless you get it under control.”

“Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man.

“If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done”

“All right, show me,” said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. First he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety and size, but no pills.

Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarrassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colors before finally finding the packet of aspirin.

He tool the aspirin and the second take went without a single hitch.

The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, I’d hire you on the spot, except that we’re not in the habit of hiring such womanizers. We’ve had too many sexual harassment suits.”

“Excuse me!” exclaimed the man, “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!”

“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.

The man sighed. “Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, asking for aspirin and winking all the while?”

An old man lived alone in Tasmania.

He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Jase,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year; I’m just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase.

At 4A.M. the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad. Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Jase.

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”

“No”, she replies sleepily.

“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”

Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”