Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A husband on his deathbed said to his wife in a hoarse, weak voice: “My hour has arrived and before I leave, I want to confess to you …”

“No, no, you shouldn’t strain yourself, sit still,” interrupted the woman.

“I insist,” said the husband. “It’s better to die with a quiet, clean conscience.”

“Well, I’m listening,” said the woman.

“I had an affair with your sister, your mother, and your best friend,” said the husband.

“I know,” replied the woman pleasantly, “that’s why I poisoned you.”

One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.

The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”

She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.

“My farts never smell, and are always silent.

“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.

“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”

The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was to spend a few years in the desert. The judge said that they could each take one thing with them.

The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.

The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won’t get thirsty.

Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.

The judge asked, “Why in the world would you want to take a car door?”

The man replied, “If it gets too hot, I can roll down the window.”

Once upon a time, there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female.

So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, “Since we’re in this together, why don’t I move over to your side of the cage!”

The female canary replied, “No, thanks!!”

So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked,

“I am sorry I was too forward the first time. Why don’t we get to know each other first?”

To which she replied again, “No, thanks!”

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated,

“Well, could we at least talk?”

This time she replied, “Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, “Chirpies” and I hear it is untweetable.”

At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day’s conferencing.

Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,

‘in ‘Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.’

Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,

‘In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.’

Hans steps up next,

‘In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Beck’s, the real king of beers.’

Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.

Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.

‘Barman, give me a coke with ice please.’

The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually, Bruce asks, ‘Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?’

Patrick replies, ‘Well, if you lot aren’t drinking, then neither am I.’