Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up.

Her husband asked the reason.

She replied, “I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it’s not recognizing me without makeup.”

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith’s mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers.

The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.

Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.

“Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died.

Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.”

“Not so fast, James!”

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?” he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.

“Nah…” she shrugs.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he persists.

She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”

“Well what WOULD you like?” John asks.

“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.

Sorry,” John sighed. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.

The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.

“I’m sorry, Mary, for your trouble,” offered the friend. “Did Mike leave you well fixed?”

“Oh, he did!” she said. “He left me almost a half million dollars.”

“Well now, that’s not bad for a man who couldn’t read or write.”

“Nor swim either,” added the widow.

A man’s daughter turned 18 years old, and he was very glad that it was time to hand over the last alimony check he had to pay his ex-wife.

He asked the daughter to approach him, and when she did he said to her, “My daughter, I want you to take this check to your mother and tell her that this is the last damn check she will receive from me for the rest of her miserable life. Tell her that. ”

The girl went to give the check to her mother, and her father was very curious to know how the witch would respond.

When the daughter returned, her father asked her right away: “What did your mother say?”

“She said she was also looking forward to this day too because she wanted to tell you that you are not my father …”