04/11/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11299
The doctor of an 80-year-old woman had finally retired. Therefore, at the elderly lady’s next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through them, his eyes grew wide as he realized that the little old Grandmother had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs. Smith, you do realize that these are birth control pills?”
“Yes, doctor. They really help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith”, he said, flabbergasted, “I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”
The old lady reached out and patted the innocent, young doctor’s knee:
“Yes, dear. I understand. But believe me. They definitely help me sleep at night…”
“…You see, every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks!
04/10/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11295
A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid replies, “Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesmen back in Omaha.”
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
“You can start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
“How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid responds, “One.”The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?”
“$101,237.65.”
“$101,237.65? Holy Mother of Mary! What did you sell him?”
“First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn’t think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4×4 truck with all the bells and whistles.”
“A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!”
“No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot. You should go fishing.”
04/09/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11291
A man who was always rude to his wife asked some friends to come along with him to say goodbye to her just before she was supposed to fly on a work trip to Sweden.
In the departure hall at the airport and in the presence of everyone, the husband wished his wife a good trip, and in a sarcastic tone he added loudly: “My dear, don’t forget to bring me back a beautiful swede.” And laughed.
The woman looked down and boarded the plane hurt and offended.
Fifteen days later and before her return, the husband again asked his friends to accompany him to the airport to meet his wife.
As soon as he saw her enter the terminal he shouted at her: “My dear, did you bring me a little Swede?”
“I did my best, darling,” said the woman. “Now all that is left is to pray and hope that the baby born will be a girl!”
04/08/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11288
A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first doorbell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said, “I can’t believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. He paused for a moment, then said, “Why, hello dear…”
04/07/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11284
There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight-of-hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship’s cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:
“IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE!” or
“IT’S IN HIS POCKET, IT’S IN HIS POCKET!” or
“IT’S IN HIS MOUTH, IT’S IN HIS MOUTH!”
The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.
Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.
The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, “OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?”