Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms: Olympic condoms.

Impressed, he decides to buy a pack to show his wife. After he arrives home, he proudly presents the Olympic condoms to his puzzled wife.

“Olympic condoms?” she asks him. “What makes them Olympic, exactly?”

“Well,” answers her husband, “They come in three colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks with a smile.

“Gold, of course!” proclaims her husband proudly.

“Really,” ponders the wife, “Why don’t you wear Silver?”

“Why silver?” asks the husband.

“Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change.”

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting. ”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and
continued.

“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old time’s sake.

He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

After a couple of minutes, he asks, “How am I doing?”

The prostitute replies, “Well sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”

“Three knots?” He asks. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in and you’re knot getting your money back.”

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description.

She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest:

“Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”

The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”