Daily Joke: Jokes Library

When a man first noticed that his pen*s was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

“How long will he be on crutches?” she asked.

“Crutches???” the doctor asked.

“Well, yes,” the woman said, “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”

One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.

One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.

They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.

When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.

They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.

They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’

The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.

‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’

The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.

‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…

‘POTATOES POTATOES!’

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said Ben, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.

The man said, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.” Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, “That will be $6.40 please.” So the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.” Then the ostrich said, “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two entered again.

“The usual?” asked the waitress. “No, it is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,” said the man. “Same for me,” said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress came with the order and said, “That will be $12.62.” Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.

The waitress couldn’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” said the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” said the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” said the man.

The waitress asked, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighed, paused, and answered, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”