Daily Joke: Jokes Library

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.

He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma’s kitchen.

“Well now, where’s my bucket and where’s my water?” Gramma asked him.

“I can’t get any water from that water hole, Gramma” exclaimed Johnny. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!”

“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”

“Well, Gramma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

GOD said: ?”Adam, I want you to do something for me.?”

“Gladly, Lord,”? replied Adam. “?What do you want me to do?”

“Go down into the valley.”

“What’s the valley?” asked Adam.

God explained to him, then said: “Cross the river.”?

“What?’s a river?”

God explained it to him, and then continued: “?Go over the hill??.”

“What?s a hill?”?

God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said: “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.”?

“What?’s a cave??”

After God explained, he said: “In the cave you will find a woman.”

Adam asked, “?What?’s a woman??”

So God explained that to him too. He continued: “?I want you to reproduce.”?

“How do I do that?”

“Jeez!”? God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam.

Adam liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.?

A little while later, Adam returned and said: “Lord…

…?What?’s a headache??”

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Furthermore, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and given VD to his cousin.

I was appalled, but as the days went on I came to realize that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk…

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician.

“In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter.

The interview went as follows:

Lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year? ”

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information, but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day? ”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point? ”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day…. and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you also get mad? ”

THE PROGRAM WAS NEVER AIRED ON TV

Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his mom and asked, “What’s that hanging down from that elephant?

“His mom said, “That’s the elephant’s trunk.”

Timmy said, “No, not that. Back underneath the elephant.”

His mom, embarrassed, said. “That’s nothing.”

Timmy isn’t satisfied with

her response, and turns to his father, “Dad, what’s that hanging down underneath that elephant?”

Dad says, “That’s the elephant’s penis.”

“Mom said it was nothing.”

“I know, son. I’ve really spoiled that woman.”