06/10/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11534
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
06/09/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11531
menA man is going skydiving for the first time.
After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
The man goes up in the airplane and waits to get to the proper altitude.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.
He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic but remembers his backup chute.
He pulls that cord. Nothing happens.
He frantically begins pulling both cords but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes.
Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver, by this time scared out of his wits, yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”
The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
06/08/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11528
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble.
His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody– it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.
As a last resort, he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, “Here’s what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water’s edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally, the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.”
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor and was curious. “You did as I suggested?” he asked.
“Absolutely,” replied the businessman.
“You went to the beach?”
“Absolutely.”
“You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?”
“Absolutely.”
“You let the pages rifle until they stopped?”
“Absolutely.”
“And what were the first words you saw?”
“Chapter 11.”
06/07/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11525
What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.
Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.
“9 am,” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”
“Not until 9 am?” the man asked in a disappointed voice.
The librarian began to get angry.
“No, not until 9 am,” said the librarian. “Why do you want to get in before 9 am?”
“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”
06/06/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11522
Everybody on earth died and went to heaven.
On their arrival, God greeted the people and said: “I want the men to make two lines – one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”
A little while later, God returned to the pearly gates to check on progress. The women had all gone with St. Peter as he had wished, and the men were split into two lines.
The line containing men that were dominated by women during their earthly lives was 100 miles long, but there was just a single man in the line containing men that dominated their women.
Enraged by this, God said to the men: “You should be ashamed for yourselves. I created you in my image and you allowed yourselves to be controlled by your lovers or spouses.”
Turning toward the solitary man, God continued: “Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son – how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
“I don’t know – my wife told me to stand here,” replied the man.